Saturday, October 31, 2009

Day 63-75; Meeting 63-75: Hail to the weekend

I just ate my ice cream after it fell on the floor. Like the bowl flipped over and splatted on the carpet with my 2 scoops inside all drippy and wonderful. I rationalized that since Myles just vacuumed yesterday and we own a Dyson and Disco's my cat and her hair is everywhere that it's probably fine. I pulled two cat hairs out of it and I ate it. hehe. It was great. I know that's gross. But funny how we rationalize.

What's been really standing out this past week is my procrastination which I just found out is attributed to my alcoholism. Amazing, I know. And is probably an obvious thing to find out since I haven't written in 12 days. "90 Meetings in 90 Day: Drying out 12 days at a time!" Doesn't quite have the same impact, does it? Well, I'm not doing this for impact. I know, hard to believe. And thankfully, I don't have to do a perfect program which consistently I find myself forgetting. I do procrastinate with everything especially at work which might be attributed to other reasons but still. So of course this is also the one thing that drives me nuts about my partner sometimes since I am equally guilty of it myself. He doesn't so much as procrastinate as bite off more than he can chew let's just say.

I used to really beat myself up about my procrastinating ways. I still do but when I lived with my old roommate, I certainly did. Things were always so ship-shape in his house and I would find myself walking by the same thing that I had put by the door to go downstairs for weeks sometimes. Feeling terrible every time I looked at the object but not wanting to deal with it. This has gotten a little better. One of my favorite indulgences is to putter. I love puttering. Now that I'm sober I have more time to putter. Going from one thing to another not finishing any one larger task but doing like 4 or 8 at a time and staying with them as long as I want and then switching to a new task. I have always liked doing this. I allow myself to just relax and not judge myself, I feel good as I am and it's a process in self-acceptance now that I think about it. I get a little bit of everything done while relaxing. When I start to get frustrated or judgement creeps in I stop and go read or end the act of puttering. I know this sounds silly but it's nice and one of my favorite weekend pasttimes.

I have been working for the weekend these past few weeks. Oh and the bridge is falling down, everybody, so the entire East Bay is on Bart every morning which doesn't really mean anything because I was already carpooling and commuting and loving it. I just have to Bart it now and it's super expensive to get to work for my budget-$11.00/ day!

Today I found myself frustrated at the plans not unfolding as I had anticipated and getting frustrated because I discovered (gasp!) that I was trying to control everything. This is MY weekend. This is what I need. What about ME? Why do I have to wait for YOU? Why haven't you done this (for ME)? This is not a good spiral. And it's probably partially sugar and excess caffeine consumption induced on my part too. So I went to a meeting.

And I feel stupid lonely. I have like 100 AA phone numbers of people to call who gave me their number. I just got a new commitment. I'm too far from the friends I started to make in SF (and I just want to chill the fuck out in Oakland on the weekends but am just starting to meet people from the program, this is the first weekend I've done that). My non-sober friends, I can't seem to connect with. The ones that live close and far. It's beginning to feel like no one has time for me although I know it's not personal perhaps more coincidental. I'm even trying to make concrete plans with times and shit for my old friends. I never did that. I'm not good at building relationships new or old. As I go further along in this program I feel distanced from my old friends too. What's crazy is I'm afraid of making effort with my new friends. I know they will have coffee or call me back almost more reliably than my friends of 10 yrs. My part in this is that I can be just as crummy at calling people back too. And I refuse to believe that even though it's the truth. I appreciate the understanding of new AA friends. I am understood in ways I've never been. People are funny too but still gentle and yet not. I can say anything and I can apologize less for myself. I feel fully recognized and accepted for who I am. And there's alot of good stuff that has come out of the last few months and with the distance of my friends who have not experienced that journey, I feel frustrated that I feel like they don't trust me or notice. As I begin to feel things and change and then other days not feel or change so much, the people in AA are understanding of the ebb and flow. They know thats it's not a perfect path and as long as you minimally do some of the basics, you'll most likely feel better and be alright. So as I make baby steps to form new relationships there is a separation process happening naturally which is sad and good and strange. Or maybe we all just keep missing each other.

I'm on my 4th Step and have been for some time. It is not that fun dredging up old resentments that I hold onto and taking responsibility for my part in them. Not fun. My meds make things harder to feel and some of the resentments I remember but can't tap into the feelings of, feelings that in the past before my meds, were so intense. And luckily I don't go back to that intense place but then how to I comprehend it's validity if I can't feel the remnant of the resentment because I'm on so much prozac (even though I totally love it)? My sponsie says I don't need to re-live the resentments and the feelings. I'm finding that it's important to be specific and specifics are also not my forte with such a terrible memory that I have.

And recently my own self-pity is just nauseating me. I can't stop saying "sorry" every other word. And saying how terrible I am at this, and terrible I am that. You know, that's why friends are nice, they lift you up and remind you why you are so great.

I think I'm just unwinding from my week. I don't mean to crap on everything and everybody. Sorry if it sounds like that. Oops, I guess I'm not sorry. Gah! Things are actually going much better and I am super happy living in the East Bay. I just wish I had more time out here. Commuting is still not old and I love being able to read and walk more. It's fun to have my own space and figure out how to share with someone and have little projects and make meals and steal kisses and stuff. I dunno. Maybe I'm just rationalizing. Maybe it's cuz I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol makes my life unmanageable. I can't live sober without the help of a Higher Power and maybe today, I just need to turn it over to HP.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Day 58-62; Meeting 58-62: 2/3rds of the way there!

I'm all riled up. Probably because I had too much coffee today and TJ's mini-chocolate peanut butter cups. I have so much hatred for myself. This fucking guy at this meeting tonight....gah! I don't really want to start from the beginning or wherever but yesterday I got swept up in this project that I decided to volunteer for: to remodel (tile and paint) the Main Office. This woman has been trying to rally volunteers to support her and get more donations but it's amazing. The meeting that I met her in, she shared. I think it was Thursday night. Her story is grim and crazy. But she made this plea to support a sense of community and that she's been trying to create that and not sure why it's so hard. And she has been rallying support to repaint and tile the room. This room is like my Monday meeting. There are mostly men in a rehab program down the street that attend. People barely put any money in the basket despite there being over 40 people in the meeting. Meetings on this side of the Bay have been different as they probably are from city to city. The room has that office type ceiling that you install piece by piece, fluorescent lights, dirty fairly new linoleum, chairs that have slip covers that are also new. It would probably feel better if it got a makeover. It would probably be easier to keep coming back. I thought to myself, I want to be part of community. I felt pulled to introduce myself to the woman and tell her that I'll be there on Saturday to pick out paint colors. I've never really felt part of anything I feel like. By choice. But I'm realizing that to feed my soul, I need to build and give and be a part of something. And doing that makes being sober a bit easier.

I showed up on Saturday and I was the one of two people who showed up. The other woman works for her. Another woman showed up 10 minutes before the end of the meeting and tried to override all the decisions that we'd made. Na-uh. I volunteered my boyfriend to also take part and offered his services if they needed someone to do the tile and help paint. She had people lined up already but I thought I would offer. Before I knew it, I was calling Myles, picking him up, taking him to Home Depot, buying paint, looking at hinges (she wants to replace the doors on the lockers too), tile etc. We found the exact tile we wanted and a vision began to take shape and all 3 of us were excited, laughing and joking. It was really fun! For someone that's not great at volunteering, following through with ideas to show up and even having been notorious at my paid job as not working well with (some) others....I was quite proud of myself on Saturday. I told the woman, J., that I would help her drum up some support. I started to get really into the project. She gave me some flyers and I told her I would make announcements as I was shopping around for new meetings in the East Bay and will probably go to a bunch of different meetings this week.

I don't know the politics of this program but they are there. Apparently, the Main Office has a reputation or something but the woman I was helping has had many challenges is drumming up support and tonight I witnessed them. I live in kind of a hoighty-toity neighborhood. Newly gentrified but socioeconomically and racially diverse which I love about it. It's not the sterile burbs and you still feel like you are in the city but you have space to breathe and it's lovely. I'm really blessed. So I walked to a meeting by my house. It was a meeting about the 6th and 7th Step which I haven't gotten to yet. I was nervous, I didn't share. I liked the meeting at first. I introduced myself to a few people went outside and some guy started barraging me with questions about the colors, who I was doing the project with, if I'd be serving "veal and pesto" at the BBQ. So getting defensive about my white privilege and assuming he's implying that I'm some white person going in and cleaning up the Main Office to make it better for the miscreants....I snap, "Why would we be serving veal and pesto? Can you help out and BBQ?" and this guy says, "I was being facetious." No, really? Jerkface. He goes on, "I'm no suburban grill master but I can cook." The way this guy said it, what a fuck. "Who the fuck are you?" Seriously, if you don't have anything nice to say. Luckily someone came over. I don't know what came over me but all the reasons I don't like the area I live in. Talking about how the area he lives in has been gentrified but he's not part of it?!?! Does anyone even understand what gentrification means? Bitching about how the neighborhood has changed. I was too distracted by my pride about the project I was working on to even begin getting into urban social change or whatever. Argh!

So this is what's like to be in the grips of the 4th Step maybe. Way to dreg up everything I hate about myself and the world around me and then starting stripping away the layers of resentment to uncover more, newer resentments. Awesome. I've been putting this off for the last two weeks. My sponsor knows it. We met today and did a little work but I really don't want to draw this out and she agreed. It is not fun. I lashed out at one of my best friends that's not in the program because I think her choices merit her to consider some help. I came home cleaned my room, started the laundry and weeded the garden furiously. Then went to this meeting with this stupid guy. Gah! I resent privileged white people that live in neighborhoods they don't think they are gentrifying, that cook but would never admit to BBQing because that's too suburban and so unlike his urban, progressive ass. So... BAY....AREA. My home I love to hate. Gah!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Day 57, Meeting 57: Reeling

Last night was a little intense. I have yet to find a Tuesday meeting and I'm really wanting to get more into the "meat" of my program but am feeling a bit like I'm in the program for the first time again going to meetings in the East Bay. I showed up at this meeting near my house (which is awesome), in a small, cozy room of this church with couches (double, triple awesome) and only about 12 people (awesomer). I noticed they all had notebooks. They asked the first timers to the meeting to introduce themselves and then informed us that this was a 2.5 hr long meeting! Oh hell no! I burst out laughing, and said, "That's too bad since I have dinner on the table at 7:30!" because my boyfriend is awesome and well, there's no way I'm staying at this meeting, ANY MEETING, for 2.5 hrs on a Tuesday night. Everyone laughed, sympathizing with my reaction and the other first timer, and the secretary said, "Feel free to leave whenever you need to." That was nice of them. This was a 10th step meeting I presume. Everyone had a notebook and was scribbling furiously, closing their eyes intermittenly (they were meditating I believe). I'm not at the 10th step and they asked me if I wanted share early on. The secretary asked after the first person shared if the first-timers wanted to share because it gets hard to get a word in. Jeez. I shared but just my stats: 20 months sober, 4 months in the program, just moved to Oakland from SF, getting to know meetings etc etc. Ha. Nothing really too deep about me and my alcoholism. And then the meeting was off and running.

I am pretty comfortable about talking about my misery. I definitely like to keep it real. I call myself a realist and have am intimately acquainted with my dark side. Through this program, I have been able to count my blessings more than ever before. I'm not sure sometimes if it's because I feel like I got into the program early before I could do any more damage but hearing people's stories sometimes blows my mind....and also makes me wonder if this program stuff is helping me. For instance, when I first started going to meetings, every meeting I showed up to had a 20 yr pluser telling everybody that it's one day at a time and it's still really hard even though life is better and some that never had the promises come true and some that are still wanting to drink every day. This was not a good way to keep me coming back. Tonight was one of those nights. And there are most things that I can handle or have heard about that don't make me cringe. But I don't know if it's my meds but I can't seem to handle horror movies the way I used to (but still really love them) and talk about "child fuckers" as it was so delicately put last night. Hearing this woman laugh at her misery about her therapist ex-husband who was having sex with her children was a little too much for me to bear. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to run out of the room. I didn't know her. They all knew each other. I was judging her because I thought she was crazy. And everyone was taking deep breaths and seemingly praying for her and I didn't feel like I had the tools to digest this.

I'm still dying to talk to someone in program about this. I feel a little vulnerable and a little freaked out still. I called my sponsor. I have no idea why this affected me so much. I think it was compounded by the intensity of the room and the size, another guy's share about wanting to kill himself, one other guy that was super intense, another's niece just got the shit kicked out of her and she's 17 and the fact because the meeting was 2.5 hrs, they were each alloted like 10 minutes to share. I was there for one hour and 5 people shared and they were all super intense. I wish I had known someone, I wish I could have stayed and just worked through it a little bit.

Before I left a woman gave me a list of other meetings that were like that (which will help me stay away until I'm at the 10th Step I think) in case I want to go again.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day 56; Meeting 56: Calm before the storm, not really but it's pouring now!

Seems like the meetings are just cranking themselves out. I decided tonight that I needed to start sharing and put some more effort in. The topic was "How you got through the day?" I talked about how my days used to be. That I thought if I just cried enough, I would detoxify by crying. And then I wouldn't cry anymore. I did that for almost a year. Getting crazy with my friends. So angry and snapping. Again, it's hard to tease out how much of this was from my depression and what was from not drinking anymore or being sober. It's amazing that this program helps you Live Sober. I get that now and that's really why I came through the doors. I didn't come here to stop drinking. I don't want to drink. I do want to do blow again. But I don't want to drink. If I did do blow again, I would have to drink. And drinking was my "gateway" to doing cocaine so....if I figure out to keep alcohol out of my life and manage life sober as best I can. I should be relatively happy if not productive or whatever.

Today was good. Overall I give it a B+. It was a gloomy day. It's been a steady 60, a little bit chilly. Not too much wind which is nice but no sun. My boss doesn't work on Mondays so that was nice. My morning coffee worked really well. This does not always happen. I took my meds and popped into my usual Monday 9AM meeting. There's been some inter-departmental grumbling and this is where a lot of it comes out. Awesome. 9AM. This is sometimes not my finest time to be privy to it. This morning I felt pretty good. I had gotten a ride into the city. We made it in 20 minutes. I have very little money and these rides are a godsend absolutely right now. As I try to pinch my pennies so I can continue to be happy living here, it's definitely the most I've pinched. But yesterday and this weekend, I was just showered with good fortune. One minute I'd be thinking, "I need hangers." An hour later we were walking down Telegraph and there was a huge box of hangers. Now, I believe that enough of these types of experiences validate the whole lot. One isolated, that would be a coincidence. But you know when they are coincidences I think and when they aren't. But maybe, there are no coincidences and there are times I believe that too. Today was one of those days because not only did I find hangers but I found a trash can and a dish rack the same way also within hours of mentioning I needed them. I must say too, that this is a great place to live off the fat of the wealthy so perhaps it's a coincidence but whatever it was, it was welcome because the only money I have right now is for food.

I started this blog last night and now it is pouring rain (that's not a coincidence I named this blog that, I watched the weather;). I really like it. I know I won't in February but I like it now. Yesterday was a good day certainly not perfect but I allowed myself to not be perfect. I've been really hard on myself and I think I need to keep practicing and remembering Steps 1,2, and 3 and it will help. And get going on my Step 4 because I'm totally not doing my work. Have a great day everybody!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Day 54 & 55; Meeting 54 & 55: Sad Dog A-howling

Meetings and my program have begun to resonate for me again. My meeting last night (I walked out of the 5 men in a basement scenario earlier in the day and went to a meeting in Oakland reminiscent of one of my SF regular meetings) was exactly where I was supposed to be. Granted, there were like 20 dudes there and like 4 women but the guy who shared talked about a lot that I felt was similar to my situation. Impending doom, wanting to kill myself every weekend and then when it comes to recovery, finding answers in the unlikeliest of places (kinda felt a little sheepish that I'd walked out of that other meeting but I had just recently done a 5 60 plus male crew with a group of Half Moon Bay farmers while housesitting down there but oh well gotta do what feels right, I saw it as an opportunity to set boundaries for myself and my comfort). I got a lot of answers in that meeting with the 5 farmers at the end of a dark, dirt road in Half Moon Bay (I passed the meeting twice on Highway 1 because I couldn't see the sign) last week.

This morning I woke up at 6:15AM, this is the time I normally get out of bed during the week. Not sure if I got up naturally or if a certain furry creature nonchalantly made noise since I control her feeding;) I decided I was going to go to a 8AM meeting in the city that I usually went to during the week when I had lived there and since there would be no traffic and I was up, I figured it would be a good idea. I showed up and it's a different crew on the weekend but it still felt comfortable and familiar. I love the room that this meeting is in. My old coworker/ friend works at the non-profit that houses this meeting, I like the neighborhood and have gone to a few meetings held there over the last few months. I'm finding that it's nervous-making going to Oakland meetings alone. The same as it was when I first started going to meetings in SF. I just don't know anyone and what the meetings are like. I met a few women last night at the meeting in Oakland who I will probably call. I made sure to reach out cuz I don't want to have to keep running back to SF to do my program.

We read Step 1 of the 12 and 12. I think I'm going to read the 4th Step today. I realized I hadn't read Step 1 and I'm on Step 4. I really liked it. It talked a little about having a high-bottom and how the program had originally been designed for the worst of drinkers and had to be designed to accept all even those who were just headed to be alcoholics. I found it comforting because I find myself still going back to Step 1 regularly because I'm feeling uncertain that I belong in the program. I had coffee with a friend afterward and found myself questioning myself and feeling so insecure. She told me her story and I was worried that I was being a fraud by trying to be her friend. I felt guilty when I left. Hoping that she likes me and doesn't realize or think I'm full of shit. So bad. Where does that come from? I think that's something more than just feeling like I don't fit in the program.

I'm trying to work on setting realistic times of returning to the house with my partner. I'm really bad because I never want to let people down so I basically lie about when I'm getting back and then let them down anyways and then make an excuse (there is always a reason because the time I set is totally unrealistic but then it seems like it's not my fault). My partner and I have talked about it so I'm working on it. It's really hard and I feel like a bad girlfriend when I say out loud how long I'll be gone. And I even thought I set it pretty generously but I was 45 minutes late. I felt really bad about it and came home to him not here and immediately assumed he was mad at me because I let him down and then proceeded to snap at him about something else when he did come home not being perturbed that I let him down (or I didn't even give him the chance). I am still super happy. Just feeling things out. Fuck, it is cold! Fall is here. The sun is not out, the fog is in and this apartment has no insulation. The dog upstairs is a foster dog and howls every time the family leaves. It's so sad. Bearable but still sad til he started barking last night while they were gone. I told them it was happening but I think I need to tell them again. I was going to email and the manfriend recommended that I tell them face to face. Of course we felt differently. Feeling things out, settling in. And I keep bumping into shit and am covered in bruises like I did when I drank. I think I'm grumpy cuz it's cold. Pity party. Or I had too much coffee. Probably too much coffee. Or I'm coming down from an insanely exhausting week of moving and housesitting and perioding. Just pooped. Or I'm an alcoholic and dealing with any of this is hard because of that. Who the fuck knows? I think I'm cranky. Gonna go read or something. Thhhhfffttttt.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 50-53; Meetings 50-53: Breakthrough!

I just cannot wait for each day to be over to scurry home and be in my new apartment and be cute and silly with my manfriend. I love love love my new apartment. All has been so lovely and well. Great landlords. Lots of space. Wonderful meals (and even bread) made by my manfriend each day with the most important ingredient: Love. I really think we have not yet had time to just be together. When we first met, he lived in Santa Cruz and I was in the City. There was a lot of alternating weekends and not much time in between and a whole lotta driving. We took things slow and that's what we wanted but never just got that good few months of just spending every minute together which is also good because it keeps us excited all the time to be together...most of the time at least. haha. This past week I have been taking public transit and it has been wonderful! Total honeymoon stage but I'm lovin relaxing on the train and MUNI, reading a new book, spotting new graffiti I've never seen. It's least for someone who has driven all the time. It slows me down and I can relax and zone out and not worry about getting in a wreck or sitting for hours in traffic which has gotten so bad since they put the S-turn in the bridge.

Things have been going really well despite the craziness. However, I have not been resonating with meetings both new and routine...until tonight. Every single share from tonight's meeting resonated with me: compartmentalizing my life, lying to my parents for so many years (I haven't even begun to unpack that mess), not struggling and surrendering to my Higher Power. Whenever things get difficult, it's typically because I'm not letting go and trusting in my Higher Power. I'm trying to control and make things go my way. Right now, I've been trusting in my Higher Power in fits and starts. I am so conditioned by my alcoholism (that feels a little weird to say, I must admit) to want to control my life and all it's actors but shit turns bad and I get miserable and frustrated the minute I start to tense up.

I decided to give up my commitment at this Friday meeting because I live in the East Bay now and well, staying on Friday at work so I can go to a 7pm meeting sucks. And I don't think I want to do that week after week. There had been the assumption that I had given up my commitment the week before because I got someone to cover for me since I had to go back down to Half Moon Bay since the people I was housesitting for missed their plane (I still made it to a meeting HMB). I got someone to cover for me but the GSR left me a message and I called her back and left a pissy message offended that she assumed I would give it up without communicating that to her. She kinda put the idea in my head and I thought today, maybe I should give up my commitment. I'm also trying to work out seeing my sponsor and change that time. I'm amazed at how proactive I'm being. Often times, I would bail on commitments feeling guilty and shameful. This was a new wonderful experience taking responsibility and bailing with dignity and less drama. I feel like my old self would have just not shown up one day and just felt embarrassed and evasive if I saw anyone around town that went to that meeting. And I would feel awful for a long time inside.

So I'm still settling in and getting used to my new place, lovin playing with my kitty. She seems really happy in her new place. I never knew a cat could adapt so quickly. Unfortunately, it makes me realize how unhappy my old cat was. I just thought all cats hated moving. She has turned the papazan into her makeshift "cathouse". So cute. Okay, there I go again talking about cats. Ah, the simple things.

I had a crazy thing happen to me today. Unrelated but in 4 years of working in Bayview Hunter's Point, a predominantly Black neighborhood with the last stronghold of Black/ African-American (SF only has 6.8% Black population down from 13.4% in 1970), I've never had a cop straight up ask me if I was lost. What was funny (and the only thing funny about it) is that I wasn't so much as lost as unfamiliar with riding the bus. So I was walking back and forth along 3rd and Oakdale (there's been a gang injunction at this intersection because of violence), looking for the bus stop. I knew exactly where I was, I stop by this area often and have agencies along this cooridor I've maybe rode the bus 10 times in my life. Seriously. I have loved driving up until the last few months. Sad I know. I was trying to get to a meeting and the route had to take me through Bayview. Most white folks would probably not do this due to their stereotypes and the news that comes out of this neighborhood, well, maybe they would but the reactions I get when I tell most SF privileged white folk that I work in BVHP is somewhat shock, relief they don't work there and a little fear it seems, and guilt that they feel all these things. All assumptions and yet not. It's going through a complex change and I have been so privileged to hear first hand about it's history of the neighborhood, people and industry, the generations of people there from the South, the community and commitment to maintain the community. I truly love working in this neighborhood and find it sociological fascinating as well as just a loving, awesome community to collaborate with. So these two cops motion me over and ask me if I'm lost. I laugh as a beat up maroon BMW rolls by honking and shouting, "HI KATIE!". I seemed confused and then realized why they were asking me.... because I was white. Woah. They then asked me, "So you know where you are?"....I said, "Yes, that woman just drove by and said my name. I've worked here for 4 yrs. Fear not, I know people." I really just needed to know where the bus stop was but this offer to evacuate me made me feel a lot more unsettled then the fact I had to take the bus through Bayview to get to my AA meeting. Man. Crazy. Two Black guys sitting at the T line saw the whole thing and one shouts across, "That's messed up stereotyping you like that! He shouldn't be bothering you! San Francisco is diverse, they know that! Especially this neighborhood! San Francisco is for EVERYONE! This isn't Oakland! San Francisco is home to everyone!" I mentioned I had just moved to Oakland, but I've heard this stereotype before, San Franciscans think Oakland is way more dangerous. Turns out he used to date one of the pantry coordinators I work with after some shouting back and forth. Feeling right where I was supposed to be.

I will continue to be better about writing. Things is slowing down. Going to meetings has been routine but tonight felt good for many reasons but it relation to the program, I feel reengaged. Thanks for reading.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Day 42-49. Meeting 42-49: Settling in

I'm more than halfway through with 90 in 90. Spent my first night in my NEW apartment in North Oakland on Saturday. I was supposed to be here on Friday night but the people I was dog/ housesitting for missed their flight. Pretty funny. I was so ready to be done too despite how much I loved this beautiful LOVEABLE golden retriever. She was SOOOO good. So easy. The sweetest dog. I had even made a run to my new apartment halfway through the day with all my barest essentials on Friday because I thought I was totally done.

I can't even finish writing this. So much is going on, I can't keep up and I'm so beat. More soon.