What's been really standing out this past week is my procrastination which I just found out is attributed to my alcoholism. Amazing, I know. And is probably an obvious thing to find out since I haven't written in 12 days. "90 Meetings in 90 Day: Drying out 12 days at a time!" Doesn't quite have the same impact, does it? Well, I'm not doing this for impact. I know, hard to believe. And thankfully, I don't have to do a perfect program which consistently I find myself forgetting. I do procrastinate with everything especially at work which might be attributed to other reasons but still. So of course this is also the one thing that drives me nuts about my partner sometimes since I am equally guilty of it myself. He doesn't so much as procrastinate as bite off more than he can chew let's just say.
I used to really beat myself up about my procrastinating ways. I still do but when I lived with my old roommate, I certainly did. Things were always so ship-shape in his house and I would find myself walking by the same thing that I had put by the door to go downstairs for weeks sometimes. Feeling terrible every time I looked at the object but not wanting to deal with it. This has gotten a little better. One of my favorite indulgences is to putter. I love puttering. Now that I'm sober I have more time to putter. Going from one thing to another not finishing any one larger task but doing like 4 or 8 at a time and staying with them as long as I want and then switching to a new task. I have always liked doing this. I allow myself to just relax and not judge myself, I feel good as I am and it's a process in self-acceptance now that I think about it. I get a little bit of everything done while relaxing. When I start to get frustrated or judgement creeps in I stop and go read or end the act of puttering. I know this sounds silly but it's nice and one of my favorite weekend pasttimes.
I have been working for the weekend these past few weeks. Oh and the bridge is falling down, everybody, so the entire East Bay is on Bart every morning which doesn't really mean anything because I was already carpooling and commuting and loving it. I just have to Bart it now and it's super expensive to get to work for my budget-$11.00/ day!
Today I found myself frustrated at the plans not unfolding as I had anticipated and getting frustrated because I discovered (gasp!) that I was trying to control everything. This is MY weekend. This is what I need. What about ME? Why do I have to wait for YOU? Why haven't you done this (for ME)? This is not a good spiral. And it's probably partially sugar and excess caffeine consumption induced on my part too. So I went to a meeting.
And I feel stupid lonely. I have like 100 AA phone numbers of people to call who gave me their number. I just got a new commitment. I'm too far from the friends I started to make in SF (and I just want to chill the fuck out in Oakland on the weekends but am just starting to meet people from the program, this is the first weekend I've done that). My non-sober friends, I can't seem to connect with. The ones that live close and far. It's beginning to feel like no one has time for me although I know it's not personal perhaps more coincidental. I'm even trying to make concrete plans with times and shit for my old friends. I never did that. I'm not good at building relationships new or old. As I go further along in this program I feel distanced from my old friends too. What's crazy is I'm afraid of making effort with my new friends. I know they will have coffee or call me back almost more reliably than my friends of 10 yrs. My part in this is that I can be just as crummy at calling people back too. And I refuse to believe that even though it's the truth. I appreciate the understanding of new AA friends. I am understood in ways I've never been. People are funny too but still gentle and yet not. I can say anything and I can apologize less for myself. I feel fully recognized and accepted for who I am. And there's alot of good stuff that has come out of the last few months and with the distance of my friends who have not experienced that journey, I feel frustrated that I feel like they don't trust me or notice. As I begin to feel things and change and then other days not feel or change so much, the people in AA are understanding of the ebb and flow. They know thats it's not a perfect path and as long as you minimally do some of the basics, you'll most likely feel better and be alright. So as I make baby steps to form new relationships there is a separation process happening naturally which is sad and good and strange. Or maybe we all just keep missing each other.
I'm on my 4th Step and have been for some time. It is not that fun dredging up old resentments that I hold onto and taking responsibility for my part in them. Not fun. My meds make things harder to feel and some of the resentments I remember but can't tap into the feelings of, feelings that in the past before my meds, were so intense. And luckily I don't go back to that intense place but then how to I comprehend it's validity if I can't feel the remnant of the resentment because I'm on so much prozac (even though I totally love it)? My sponsie says I don't need to re-live the resentments and the feelings. I'm finding that it's important to be specific and specifics are also not my forte with such a terrible memory that I have.
And recently my own self-pity is just nauseating me. I can't stop saying "sorry" every other word. And saying how terrible I am at this, and terrible I am that. You know, that's why friends are nice, they lift you up and remind you why you are so great.
I think I'm just unwinding from my week. I don't mean to crap on everything and everybody. Sorry if it sounds like that. Oops, I guess I'm not sorry. Gah! Things are actually going much better and I am super happy living in the East Bay. I just wish I had more time out here. Commuting is still not old and I love being able to read and walk more. It's fun to have my own space and figure out how to share with someone and have little projects and make meals and steal kisses and stuff. I dunno. Maybe I'm just rationalizing. Maybe it's cuz I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol makes my life unmanageable. I can't live sober without the help of a Higher Power and maybe today, I just need to turn it over to HP.