Day 54 & 55; Meeting 54 & 55: Sad Dog A-howling

Meetings and my program have begun to resonate for me again. My meeting last night (I walked out of the 5 men in a basement scenario earlier in the day and went to a meeting in Oakland reminiscent of one of my SF regular meetings) was exactly where I was supposed to be. Granted, there were like 20 dudes there and like 4 women but the guy who shared talked about a lot that I felt was similar to my situation. Impending doom, wanting to kill myself every weekend and then when it comes to recovery, finding answers in the unlikeliest of places (kinda felt a little sheepish that I'd walked out of that other meeting but I had just recently done a 5 60 plus male crew with a group of Half Moon Bay farmers while housesitting down there but oh well gotta do what feels right, I saw it as an opportunity to set boundaries for myself and my comfort). I got a lot of answers in that meeting with the 5 farmers at the end of a dark, dirt road in Half Moon Bay (I passed the meeting twice on Highway 1 because I couldn't see the sign) last week.

This morning I woke up at 6:15AM, this is the time I normally get out of bed during the week. Not sure if I got up naturally or if a certain furry creature nonchalantly made noise since I control her feeding;) I decided I was going to go to a 8AM meeting in the city that I usually went to during the week when I had lived there and since there would be no traffic and I was up, I figured it would be a good idea. I showed up and it's a different crew on the weekend but it still felt comfortable and familiar. I love the room that this meeting is in. My old coworker/ friend works at the non-profit that houses this meeting, I like the neighborhood and have gone to a few meetings held there over the last few months. I'm finding that it's nervous-making going to Oakland meetings alone. The same as it was when I first started going to meetings in SF. I just don't know anyone and what the meetings are like. I met a few women last night at the meeting in Oakland who I will probably call. I made sure to reach out cuz I don't want to have to keep running back to SF to do my program.

We read Step 1 of the 12 and 12. I think I'm going to read the 4th Step today. I realized I hadn't read Step 1 and I'm on Step 4. I really liked it. It talked a little about having a high-bottom and how the program had originally been designed for the worst of drinkers and had to be designed to accept all even those who were just headed to be alcoholics. I found it comforting because I find myself still going back to Step 1 regularly because I'm feeling uncertain that I belong in the program. I had coffee with a friend afterward and found myself questioning myself and feeling so insecure. She told me her story and I was worried that I was being a fraud by trying to be her friend. I felt guilty when I left. Hoping that she likes me and doesn't realize or think I'm full of shit. So bad. Where does that come from? I think that's something more than just feeling like I don't fit in the program.

I'm trying to work on setting realistic times of returning to the house with my partner. I'm really bad because I never want to let people down so I basically lie about when I'm getting back and then let them down anyways and then make an excuse (there is always a reason because the time I set is totally unrealistic but then it seems like it's not my fault). My partner and I have talked about it so I'm working on it. It's really hard and I feel like a bad girlfriend when I say out loud how long I'll be gone. And I even thought I set it pretty generously but I was 45 minutes late. I felt really bad about it and came home to him not here and immediately assumed he was mad at me because I let him down and then proceeded to snap at him about something else when he did come home not being perturbed that I let him down (or I didn't even give him the chance). I am still super happy. Just feeling things out. Fuck, it is cold! Fall is here. The sun is not out, the fog is in and this apartment has no insulation. The dog upstairs is a foster dog and howls every time the family leaves. It's so sad. Bearable but still sad til he started barking last night while they were gone. I told them it was happening but I think I need to tell them again. I was going to email and the manfriend recommended that I tell them face to face. Of course we felt differently. Feeling things out, settling in. And I keep bumping into shit and am covered in bruises like I did when I drank. I think I'm grumpy cuz it's cold. Pity party. Or I had too much coffee. Probably too much coffee. Or I'm coming down from an insanely exhausting week of moving and housesitting and perioding. Just pooped. Or I'm an alcoholic and dealing with any of this is hard because of that. Who the fuck knows? I think I'm cranky. Gonna go read or something. Thhhhfffttttt.

Day 50-53; Meetings 50-53: Breakthrough!

I just cannot wait for each day to be over to scurry home and be in my new apartment and be cute and silly with my manfriend. I love love love my new apartment. All has been so lovely and well. Great landlords. Lots of space. Wonderful meals (and even bread) made by my manfriend each day with the most important ingredient: Love. I really think we have not yet had time to just be together. When we first met, he lived in Santa Cruz and I was in the City. There was a lot of alternating weekends and not much time in between and a whole lotta driving. We took things slow and that's what we wanted but never just got that good few months of just spending every minute together which is also good because it keeps us excited all the time to be together...most of the time at least. haha. This past week I have been taking public transit and it has been wonderful! Total honeymoon stage but I'm lovin relaxing on the train and MUNI, reading a new book, spotting new graffiti I've never seen. It's nice...at least for someone who has driven all the time. It slows me down and I can relax and zone out and not worry about getting in a wreck or sitting for hours in traffic which has gotten so bad since they put the S-turn in the bridge.

Things have been going really well despite the craziness. However, I have not been resonating with meetings both new and routine...until tonight. Every single share from tonight's meeting resonated with me: compartmentalizing my life, lying to my parents for so many years (I haven't even begun to unpack that mess), not struggling and surrendering to my Higher Power. Whenever things get difficult, it's typically because I'm not letting go and trusting in my Higher Power. I'm trying to control and make things go my way. Right now, I've been trusting in my Higher Power in fits and starts. I am so conditioned by my alcoholism (that feels a little weird to say, I must admit) to want to control my life and all it's actors but shit turns bad and I get miserable and frustrated the minute I start to tense up.

I decided to give up my commitment at this Friday meeting because I live in the East Bay now and well, staying on Friday at work so I can go to a 7pm meeting sucks. And I don't think I want to do that week after week. There had been the assumption that I had given up my commitment the week before because I got someone to cover for me since I had to go back down to Half Moon Bay since the people I was housesitting for missed their plane (I still made it to a meeting HMB). I got someone to cover for me but the GSR left me a message and I called her back and left a pissy message offended that she assumed I would give it up without communicating that to her. She kinda put the idea in my head and I thought today, maybe I should give up my commitment. I'm also trying to work out seeing my sponsor and change that time. I'm amazed at how proactive I'm being. Often times, I would bail on commitments feeling guilty and shameful. This was a new wonderful experience taking responsibility and bailing with dignity and less drama. I feel like my old self would have just not shown up one day and just felt embarrassed and evasive if I saw anyone around town that went to that meeting. And I would feel awful for a long time inside.

So I'm still settling in and getting used to my new place, lovin playing with my kitty. She seems really happy in her new place. I never knew a cat could adapt so quickly. Unfortunately, it makes me realize how unhappy my old cat was. I just thought all cats hated moving. She has turned the papazan into her makeshift "cathouse". So cute. Okay, there I go again talking about cats. Ah, the simple things.

I had a crazy thing happen to me today. Unrelated but in 4 years of working in Bayview Hunter's Point, a predominantly Black neighborhood with the last stronghold of Black/ African-American (SF only has 6.8% Black population down from 13.4% in 1970), I've never had a cop straight up ask me if I was lost. What was funny (and the only thing funny about it) is that I wasn't so much as lost as unfamiliar with riding the bus. So I was walking back and forth along 3rd and Oakdale (there's been a gang injunction at this intersection because of violence), looking for the bus stop. I knew exactly where I was, I stop by this area often and have agencies along this cooridor I've maybe rode the bus 10 times in my life. Seriously. I have loved driving up until the last few months. Sad I know. I was trying to get to a meeting and the route had to take me through Bayview. Most white folks would probably not do this due to their stereotypes and the news that comes out of this neighborhood, well, maybe they would but the reactions I get when I tell most SF privileged white folk that I work in BVHP is somewhat shock, relief they don't work there and a little fear it seems, and guilt that they feel all these things. All assumptions and yet not. It's going through a complex change and I have been so privileged to hear first hand about it's history of the neighborhood, people and industry, the generations of people there from the South, the community and commitment to maintain the community. I truly love working in this neighborhood and find it sociological fascinating as well as just a loving, awesome community to collaborate with. So these two cops motion me over and ask me if I'm lost. I laugh as a beat up maroon BMW rolls by honking and shouting, "HI KATIE!". I seemed confused and then realized why they were asking me.... because I was white. Woah. They then asked me, "So you know where you are?"....I said, "Yes, that woman just drove by and said my name. I've worked here for 4 yrs. Fear not, I know people." I really just needed to know where the bus stop was but this offer to evacuate me made me feel a lot more unsettled then the fact I had to take the bus through Bayview to get to my AA meeting. Man. Crazy. Two Black guys sitting at the T line saw the whole thing and one shouts across, "That's messed up stereotyping you like that! He shouldn't be bothering you! San Francisco is diverse, they know that! Especially this neighborhood! San Francisco is for EVERYONE! This isn't Oakland! San Francisco is home to everyone!" I mentioned I had just moved to Oakland, but I've heard this stereotype before, San Franciscans think Oakland is way more dangerous. Turns out he used to date one of the pantry coordinators I work with after some shouting back and forth. Feeling right where I was supposed to be.

I will continue to be better about writing. Things is slowing down. Going to meetings has been routine but tonight felt good for many reasons but it relation to the program, I feel reengaged. Thanks for reading.

Day 42-49. Meeting 42-49: Settling in

I'm more than halfway through with 90 in 90. Spent my first night in my NEW apartment in North Oakland on Saturday. I was supposed to be here on Friday night but the people I was dog/ housesitting for missed their flight. Pretty funny. I was so ready to be done too despite how much I loved this beautiful LOVEABLE golden retriever. She was SOOOO good. So easy. The sweetest dog. I had even made a run to my new apartment halfway through the day with all my barest essentials on Friday because I thought I was totally done.

I can't even finish writing this. So much is going on, I can't keep up and I'm so beat. More soon.

Day 35-41, Meeting 36-41: Yup, still here but, one more rule

Showing up.

The last week has been a whirlwind. I've been housesitting, moving and GOING to meetings (except for one day, more on that in a second).

Today's meeting was a little awkward. I was showing up for my friend who was speaking. Showing up. But I'm struggling with feeling like a fraud. I suppose it could be that I'm feeling a little uprooted. My room is in shambles and half my stuff is in one place, the other half in the other and I'm staying somewhere entirely different. But I showed up. And for that I was proud. Selfishly proud. Realizing that all the conversation I had tonight was all about me. But really that just means I'm right where I'm supposed to be and it's the right place. Ugh, feeling so self-conscious about doing the perfect program. Knowing I don't have to do that.

Right before the meeting, I also showed up to a bar in the Haight for a fundraiser for a race coordinated by the best friend of my cat's original owner, my cat's former owner committed suicide last year. I really wanted to be there. I couldn't commit with an RSVP but as this cat's current owner, I thought I should be there. She brings so much joy into my life. I knew I had to go. I stopped at home to print out a card with her picture on it to write a quick note. I'm pretty broke right now so I wasn't able to make more of a donation besides a few raffle tickets but that's okay. I do what I can in those situations. I try to. I'm already feeling overextended. But I wasn't sure how it was going to be either. I haven't been to a bar I think since I started to go to meetings. The first year I went out with my friends to bars all the time because I wasn't going to meetings and I didn't want my friends to treat me any different or be uncomfortable with my sobriety. Going to meetings has made me more uncomfortable with going to bars. Maybe because I know how good I got it now. I have found an alternative to building a community that doesn't involve drinking. I showed up today and realized that everyone was wasted and it wasn't so bad. I had a Diet Coke, hung out with my roomie and his girlfriend and got some good one-on-one time with the best friend. It was great to see her too. I found out she found out I was moving to the East Bay from this blog which I felt kinda bad about but she said that she felt better reading this and knowing how much the cat makes me happy and is a part of my life. Seriously, the worst part about housesitting this week is that my cat isn't around. Although my boyfriend by my side is a pretty close second;) just kidding. I do wish R. had seen how sweet D. was while I was printing out the card. She was sitting on the printer, then biting the printer than standing on my bedframe that is mattress-less in the most awkward way batting at me to play and being so funny. I think she misses me too. I'm excited for us to have space together to just hang out and play. Spending time with her is one of my favorite reasons to be home. Just in case you didn't think I was a total cat lady...sheesh. Cheesy I know. But she is the best, R. Thank you for bringing her into my life.

I've been struggling with my commitment as coffeemaker on Monday. I'm finding it interesting that the two meetings that I have commitments at I don't like sometimes.....hmmm. I walked out after 35 minutes. It was a hot day and the smell of homeless male was overpowering. I have a ridiculously sensitive sniffer. I called my sponsor and she told me I was being a baby and that I need to learn the 3rd Step Prayer and it's good I walked out and called her. I was cranky. She got mad that I was goofing around at meetings and told me I need to pay attention to do the work. I knew I was acting like a 5 year old. Maybe I should get a commitment at a meeting I do like? And many people have concurred but I don't think I could bear walking away. Unfortunately, I feel like I made myself too known. But that could be me being self-centered. Well, I still consider myself shopping around to some extent. Which kinda sounds like I haven't fully committed to the program when I wrote it. I thought that Monday night was my Home Group and that's shifted a bit. Sometimes I think my Friday night meeting is my Home Group. I need to get a Home Group. And I reminded myself that I've only been in the program for 4 months despite being sober for 20 months (since yesterday). But today I've felt as though I've been drifting from my program a bit.

Tuesday and Thursday, I went to my morning meeting. Wednesday was insane. I drove something like 70 miles in a day. Every Wednesday I have therapy. I felt awful that I couldn't make it to a meeting but I did make it to therapy~I've been going to therapy for over 3 yrs. I've asked for permission in my meetings that I could count my therapy as a meeting. I had heard that other people had done the same. I had other people recommend I release from needing to finish 90 in 90 and just start over. That it's okay. Others said you can double up on some days which I said I wouldn't do. I had banked an extra meeting on Labor Day so now my count is even. So it seems like there are several interpretations of 90 in 90. Whatever, my reasoning is, I decided that for now, until I'm moved and things calm down a bit, I will still go to a meeting on Wednesday if I can swing it but if I can't, my therapy will count as a meeting. I have been going to meetings on Wednesdays up until now. That's one more rule.

I'm almost halfway through but I haven't been writing and as I predicted, it is getting hard. I have been drifting and socializing like a middle schooler in my meetings this past week. Friday was good though. Saturday I almost didn't make it to a meeting as we were moving all day and I was pooped and exhausted going from where I'm housesitting to the City to the East Bay and back to the City to meet one of M.'s friends who was here visiting and who was kind enough to host us in Seattle in December. But somehow my Higher Power got me a to a meeting, a great meeting with what seemed like oddball folks. I find that it's easier for me to share when I don't know anyone. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know people at these regular meetings. Perhaps that's why I find reasons not to like them. I used to like Monday meeting at times because it was surly, tough, grim and diverse. Perfect for a crummy Monday. Which it dawned on me this week was my new favorite day at work because my boss doesn't work Mondays. Duh. It only took me a few years to figure that one out. So maybe that's what changed. Who knows. Things are shifting all the time for me right now. All I can do is hand it over to God. It's been nice. Awkward and uncomfortable and I feel like my reflexes are to hold tight and control so I have to consciously let go and let God (while not being self-conscious about the fact that I've found God). Keeping it simple. But man this program works and I can't express it because I'm embarrassed that I believe in God and feel my Higher Power now and He/She/It leads me to the next right thing if I pay attention to it. If I surrender, I will not stray from my path. It's crazy! I mean, the God piece of this program is what deterred me years ago from coming back. To me God is Spirit, Energy, One, Love, All. Saying "God" allows me to sync my interpretation of God to what I experience when I feel connected to the Earth to people to events and happenings to the world around me and Time and to Spirit. So crazy. And in this room where I knew no one on Saturday I could express that openly and express joy. I guess that's hard for me to do in front of people I know and care about. Maybe something from childhood, if I'm celebrating or being silly, I'm not working hard enough or something. So I constantly am "at work" on myself, struggling, creating drama, depressed etc. This program has allowed me to learn how to celebrate and be grateful in a safe space. Say thank you and not be judged for being goofy when it's serious.

So I will do better at keeping this blog maintained. I've seriously gotten such incredible feedback and the people who are reading it are not who I thought would be reading it and some are and some aren't. I wrote it with some key friends in mind and frankly, it's brought me closer to some unexpected ones. Very cool. And only pounding it home, how blessed I am. And if I can't celebrate with my Higher Power and ooze light and love into all things created by He/She/ It, I think I would burst. So there. I am blessed. I AM SO BLESSED.

Day 33 & 34; Meeting 34 & 35: Sign on the dotted line

My stomach has been wrecked for days. My heart pounding. Transition is imminent. I didn't realize how stable I was until I started to make changes. Woah. I'm staring at the afternoon of a Sunday without a meeting planned. Heading to a block party to get to know my new neighbors. So nervous! Going to sign the papers and commit to a month. Ha! Lay down a security deposit that I have but....still feeling financially insecure. I'm dying to just get it done already but also nervous for what's to come, the good and the bad, the just different. Shit, it's been a while. I've been the most stable in years living in the same place for the almost 3 years, at the same job for 4. That was my goal when I moved in, to settle down, slow down. In 2007, there had been a lot of moving and breaking up that left me emotionally drained. My current home was where I had solace. Unfortunately, I also had easy access to the hella fun city of SF;) and my partying ramped up. Wow. I've been so fucking miserable at times over the last 29 months and 24 days of sobriety. I really never thought that anything would break in my lame life. And seriously, to an outsider, it's no big deal maybe, but to me, getting my own place, with the prospect of sharing a life with the best man-friend around, creating my own sober dwelling feels totally over the top and really this is how things always happen don't they? All at once. We plan and we think but then realize that when you just let go, life will take you where you want to go, man;) haha But that shit is true. I've spent years freaking out that I don't have a new "life plan". I used to throw around the joke that I finished my 5 year plan 4 years ago and that is true! The last of my 5 year plan was getting a reputable job in the non-profit sector. And I've been combing the depths of my MIND to PLAN the next 5 years for almost 4 years!! I couldn't understand why I couldn't pull it together! Miserable. And not to say I've got it figured out. Letting go is like a muscle. And for me it'll start to spasm every time I consciously try to make it work. I am practicing trust. Trusting in the universe. Trusting in myself. That I'm not going to fuck things up, offend someone needlessly or do something that results in the disdain of all those around me. But I still think I will. It feels so programmed. The shame and the guilt and the fear.

More soon....I'm now late to the block party;)

Day 29-32; Meeting 30-33: Evidence of spirit

You now get to see how I work. Pushing the envelope. 4 meetings to report on! Wow. Let's see if I can do it. This could be a long one. There's been a lot going on.

Ever since last Friday, there's been a lot of surrender. I saw an amazing new apartment out in the East Bay on Sunday fulfilling all of my Bay Area apartment hunting fantasies (this would be my 14th home I've lived since '97!). Thanks to my current landlord/ friend/ roomie (and longest place I had lived since I was in college, almost 3 yrs here!), I had the beautiful luxury to take my time and get it right. Thanks to another friend in the East Bay that I hadn't seen in FOREVER and by chance saw on Saturday, who then hooked me up with his friends by Sunday that had a downstairs apartment that was almost ready and hadn't even hit CL, here I am by Thursday negotiated on terms I might not have been able to negotiate with someone I didn't know and ready to sign a lease on Sunday. Amazing.

I am excited and had been intent on my own place for the past few months. Worried I was trying to pull a "geographic" (really, I'm moving across the Bay, I thought that would be reasonable), I spent time really delving into what made my current living situation challenging. As much as I love my roomies and have one of the sweetest set-ups in 12 yrs of renting, it was time to go explore this new sense of self. I needed my own space to do that. I also had never thought I needed to live in a sober environment but realized this is another luxury that I could afford. If I was going to be out in the world, constantly figuring out every minute how to deal with the trials and tribulations of sobriety and how to deal with people now that I don't drink and how to spend time with my friends that still do and blah blah blah, I might as well make home my safe haven. I've never really had that before. I haven't had my own place since '99 when I was renting out of a studio in Redwood City for 6 months while getting ready to transfer to a Big-Girl school from community college. I live pretty simply and not too settled in so I'm looking forward to making a home that I can open to others and eventually get cozy with my man-friend;) He's a much better decorator than I am, anyways. And he fixes things and that's hot.

Monday was my usual chaos festivity that is my coffeemaking commitment, me and the homeless guys. Once again I got to sit in back with this new sweet baby that just got borned and her mama, a new good friend and one really smelly guy. I didn't share, I listened and was distracted. Checking email on my phone, texting.... The speaker was a friend's husband and he had just celebrated his two years. It was right up my alley as I am coming down the home stretch of this year approaching my own 2 yr anniversary in January (don't worry, there will be ice skating this time!) Til then, one day at a time. He made a list of all the things he had gone through in the last two years sober: weddings, deaths, bachelor parties, celebrations and hard times. It was an awesome and creative way to share. And so positive. People who are positive, really at any time, but especially during challenging times, I have so much respect for. I really know how far I have to dig to find that and I am so grateful for the people that have it readily accessible when the going gets rough. One of my managers at work is like this. At the most random times, she will throw in these kernels of positivity and because of the program I think, I catch it now and honor it. It's not the fake, Pollyanna, sarcastic stuff that I like to throw around that always makes me smile. It's the real deal and genuine. You can feel it. And it lightens and sheds new light on whatever you are speaking of no matter how hard.

Tuesday was the PIG FARM!!! I was up before the crack of dawn at 4AM. At the warehouse by 5AM and off to Morgan Hill. I had been wanting to go to the Pig Farm for some time. It started as a joke between the warehouse manager and I but then I was like, hell yeah, I'm going to the Pig Farm. I'm into exploring the boundaries of my newfound sober mornings and oodles of time I have in a day because for the most part, I feel pretty good (anything is better than the hangover and overall sluggish feeling I had when I drank). But I think this was pushing it as I am now home sick with some weird lung thing and really frickin tired and feeling sick.

We bring our spoiled produce down to a Pig Farm in Morgan Hill twice a week. About 10,000 pounds of stone fruit, cabbage, carrots, celery etc. We have this great guy, Archie, that has about 40 pigs. I went down and met Archie and Archie Jr, his son, and got the grand tour of this place while the sun came up over the Central Valley. These are the kinds of things that make me keep going to work everyday. I'm pretty lucky I can go to a Pig Farm and count it as work, go home for a few hours to sleep and then work the rest of the day. This is one thing I realized.

These were very happy hogs. I met Oink, who is their pet boar. Oink is maybe pushing 400 lbs tusks and all. There was a little pot-bellied pig that just wandered into their property who wagged his tail like a dog and was a little rounder than my cat but about the same size. So cute! Then there were the Bacon Hogs and the hogs that had been "put out" because they didn't get along with the other hogs. There was Grunt, the male breeding hog and guess how you can tell that a hog will be good for breeding? Shorter legs in front than in back. Ask me about hogs, ladies and gentleman and I'll learn you a thing or two! One hog had gotten too fat and couldn't be sold til he lost some weight. Penny was the Alpha hog who I don't think liked me too much and yes, probably would have taken the first bit had I fallen in. But these pigs were very happy and very loved (and not that smelly!). I learned how he keeps the smell down and the effects of different types of produce on the moisture in the pits and bellies of the pigs. He had many makeshift pens with all different size pigs. The little ones were adorable and love to be petted and have their ears scratched. It made me happy that even though these pigs were going off to market they got a good run at Archie's Pig Farm. And Archie had a lot of love for them.

Archie's farm looked like something straight up out of a horror movie however. Seriously, with the sun coming up over the hills. It was an old flower farm with makeshift plywood roofing, strewn with scrap metal, old farm equipment and overgrown. I think he said it was about 14 acres. It was pretty awesome though. I do love me some horror movies. And it was great to get to know another aspect of the work that I do at the food bank. Anyone who knows me, knows I love to meet new people and hear their stories (well, and share my own). This was such a treat. It was great to get to know the driver that I drove down there with as well. We had lots of stories to share and he's a talker like me and has been at the food bank for about the same amount of time. I couldn't believe he had 4 kids in college and graduate school. I had no idea. It was a good morning to start. But as we were heading back, sitting in crazy awful Peninsula traffic, I started to fade and get a tickle in my throat and not feel that well. I thought I was just up too early or maybe allergies.

I hit a wonderful woman's meeting I had not gone to before. It was pretty large, had a fountain outside, in the basement of a church and I saw a few familiar faces which was nice. The speaker was a former mechanic for Muni who had gotten hit by a car in the 90s while working up in Hunter's Point. During the crack epidemic in the 80s and 90s, dealers were firing at government workers on site up in Hunter's Point. It took an ambulance 40 minutes to come to her aid. She died 6 times. Amazing story. And man, could this woman laugh and just oozed with love for her work as a mechanic that she could no longer do. I spend a lot of time in Hunter's Point. I'm the agency rep for all of our member agencies that distribute food in Bayview/ Hunter's Point. I have some strong relationships out there and even some that have become friends. And I know the history of Hunter's Point in the 90s and the violence in those neighborhoods today are from beef that have been passed from generation to generation and at times forgotten but still taking lives. Many of my colleagues in Bayview/ Hunter's Point face death on the regular whether it's from turf or from illness (there is extraordinarily high rates of asthma and cancer in Hunter's Point). My job seems so easy compared with what they face everyday and still get up every morning to help their community. The faith is strong in Bayview. And while this is something I'm supposed to separate: getting food out to the community and fulfilling God's will. For many of the agencies that I work with, it is God's will that they distribute food every week to those who need it most. And on Wednesday, this was the first time I fully acknowledged this to my agencies.

On Wednesday, I went to a meeting early on and then I had a neighborhood meeting for work with all my food pantries (def: weekly farmer's market style free grocery and produce distributions; there are 200 throughout the city every week) in one room for the first time ever. Able to share and map out what these regular meetings will look like and meet one another. Typically, these events pull about 75% of the RSVP list so I figured about 7 people would show up as I had gotten 11 yeses, 3 maybes and had left 6 messages and gotten no response. This is how it goes. I'm used to it. But Wednesday morning, 20 people showed up by 10:20 (there were only 4 there by 10:10 ;)) This was amazing. I felt so good inside. I wanted to meet with them all day! These are all my favorite people that I work with in one room. We went around the room for an icebreaker and I asked them what gets them out of bed every morning. I think I knew what the answer would be and I think I just wanted to hear it. For many of them, it was God and Jesus Christ. And He filled the room in that moment. It was so moving. There were also many husbands, wives, children and moms that also got them out of bed in the morning. It was so inspiring and perhaps greedy of me cuz I knew what they all would say but a fantastic way to start the day. This is another part of my job I love: building relationships, making connections and facilitating solutions. I am trying to pass the lead position off to someone else in the group but they decided they prefer me to do it until they get to know one another. I'm surprised that many of my co-workers were able to appoint a lead in the first meeting. That was extraordinarily invigorating and I can truly say I have so much love for all those that were in that room.

Now it is Thursday. Wow what a few days. Is this my Higher Power at work these last few days? I'd like to think so. The Source/ Spirit/ Higher Power/ God can be so strong in my life sometimes. The success and beauty of it are fear-inspiring. It's not even Friday and the range of love and bliss that I have felt in these last few days is something to take notice of and to be grateful for. There are good things to come, my friends.

I was late to my meeting this morning as I was trying to do too much and I didn't feel that well. But yet again, I am so glad I made it and it was right where I was supposed to be.

Day 28, Meeting 29: Coming into the light

I lay here ready for bed, my kitty curled up next to me sleeping soundly on her paws. I find so much bliss in her little purrs and sweet cat-like ways. She is Good.

Today I felt movement. Movement due to my efforts at letting go and spiritual surrender. I feel close to finding an apartment but understanding if it's not ready to happen yet. I feel solid in my relationship and that things will work out with the man I love if that is what is supposed to be. These are Good.

I spent the day puttering around to my absolute delight. Doing whatever I wanted in my space. Breakfast with the manfriend, looking at an apartment (fingers crossed), meeting with my sponsor, vacuuming, spot-cleaning my carpet, watching football, hanging out with the roomies, playing with the cat, reading, napping, organizing and applying for apartments. Waking from my nap to the sound of rain outside on the windows. I love these types of days. It was full and I felt Good.

I've spent some time in the last few days mulling over my Higher Power. What It is and what It isn't. Being fearful of it working and the success of this program. Today I was so overwhelmed with how I've surrendered and things are starting to move and shift and open. The release is a relief after feeling so stagnant. And it's amazing because nothing has really even happened yet but I can still feel a transformation. For today.

I went to a meditation meeting as I have been assigned to meditate and begin a more regular spiritual practice. I used to have one before but I haven't begun again since entering the program. We meditated by candlelight listening to the rain outside sitting high above the Outer Mission. Very cool. I shared. Was a little impatient toward the end because I didn't know what time it was and it went over but it was a good meeting and close to my house which is nice. I found myself feeling the closest to the neighborhood that I live in for the first time and a little sad that I'm trying to move to the East Bay and get my own place. But it was okay. And it will be okay. Good stuff.