Day 13 & 14, Meeting 13 & 14: Lucky 1-3

I was just too pooped to blog last night. I got in trouble with my sponsor today for not doing my homework for the program. She said, "If you have time to blog, you have time to do your homework," (insert finger waggle). My response: "I didn't even blog last night!"

Between being sick and working yesterday, I am exhausted. I'm having a nice evening tonight relaxing and resting, getting my head ready for the week ahead and starting my blog early. I had a wonderful meeting with my sponsor today even with the finger waggling. We kinda hit a nerve a little bit. Something definitely opened. I am an alcoholic.

Step 1 has been a lot to swallow. And something cracked inside me like an egg today. I felt a little sensitive, raw. I've been very conscious of how cocky, self-righteous and egotistical I've been...to the point it's been hard to write. You mean it's not all about me? That was just a joke....but it wasn't. I really did think it was all about me. I still do. I think I own the fucking program after 2 months! Fake it til you make it.

Last night's meeting I was defensive to the point of virtually combative. Usually this is a sign, in therapy at least, that you are getting to the core of something. I went to a meeting that was a "scent-free" meeting. I didn't realize that until I got there. "Scent-free" to me is a California thing, like "purple ladies". I have a sensitive sniffer too but not so sensitive that I request those around me to remain unscented. Hysterical and a little irritating. The woman next to me was maybe in her late 50s knitting a purple scarf (surprise!) and looked at me over her bifocals when I saw that it was scent-free and made a sound like, "Hm, interesting." I pointed at the description and she winked, nodded and said, "It's a good thing," and smiled. Oh, is it?

This meeting was within walking distance from my house so I decided to try it out. There were these 4 main ladies about my mom's age that were there, one was knitting the purple scarf. I chose the meeting because it was also a Book Study Meeting. I thought this would break up the monotony of the Speaker/ Discussion format I typically go to. And frankly, I was getting a little tired of hearing someone's story. Well, it turned out on the last week of the month they have a Speaker/ Discussion! Hooray! Damnit. It was a long story. I was cranky. And because I had to introduce myself in the beginning of the meeting since it was my first time to that meeting, she directed her share at me and this other girl. I was acting like a total snot, thinking in my mind, "She thinks I'm a newcomer. Boy is she wrong. I've been sober 19 months!" Like I was the only person that has ever been sober or struggled. I've seriously been staring my ego in the face these last few days. Feeling as awkward as I did when I was in middle school. Snotty and defensive like a 7th grader.

After the meeting, one of the "Mom Brigade" was telling another newcomer who had introduced herself as an addict, how it was important for her to say she was an alcoholic because it respects the fellowship of the group and it's another way to fit in. (!?!) So I was already feeling a little touch-y, did this woman want to fight? This newcomer had just waltzed out of rehab only to have Ol' Mother Hubbard preaching her own doctrine of what she gotta do for the team?! I wasn't digging it so I told her so because it's not written anywhere that you have to do that. If you don't feel like you are ready to say you are an alcoholic, then you are right where you should be. But this is what I think and this is what worked for me;)All the program requires is a desire to stop drinking. So I said, "I said that at first, it's okay. Sometimes it's easier to say you're an addict before you can say alcoholic. Addict can feel more encompassing. As time goes on, you realize that what you have in common with everyone in the rooms is that you all want to stop drinking. I say I'm an alcoholic and addict some days and just alcoholic other days." The woman replies, "That's like saying you're a car and a Chevy." My heart starts pounding. It's Saturday night and it's alright for fighting! And then she saved herself, by saying, "That's just my interpretation not the program's." Heart slows. And then I get cornered by S.

S. is an older man that looks as though he's a painter, still working hard, maybe in his early 70s and he smells like old man pee. I thought this was a "scent-free" meeting? I made the mistake of engaging him at another meeting and he cornered me like 4 times last night after the meeting. I think he's of German descent and boy, can this man talk. Old men love me. I swear. When I was single, I couldn't get a date to save my life but when it came to a lonely old man, it was like flies on shit. Ew. Old man pee. I figured out if I put my foot out like I'm only leaning on one side of my body, it'll keep him from inching any closer. Besides the smell, he was also a close-talker. It was the kind of situation where he'd just talk at you. You couldn't get a word in edgewise. Other people at the meeting were visibly uncomfortable that he kept me cornered and a few tried to save me. Then realized that I kinda knew the guy. I told my sponsor today and she was like, there's a fine line between being a doormat and taking care of yourself. Hmmmm, I have to try that. I was trying to be patient but he just kept talking and inching closer and I would back up and he'd inch closer. It was definitely uncomfortable. She told me it was okay to say, "Excuse me, I have to go now." And walk away. I was shocked. Oh my awkward 7th grader! This is the kind of shit I'm learning for the first time. Why did it take so long? I seriously thought I had to be patient and listen to him. And I can, to a point. Amazing. Who knew!?!

After reviewing my reservations with the 1st Step, I graduated today while meeting with my sponsor this morning and moved on to 2 and 3. I went to a 3rd Step meeting today with my sponsor only to walk in and see all these people I knew. It was great! And the first meeting where I finally felt like it wasn't too advanced and I was where it was! It even went so far as to laugh about memorizing the 3rd Step prayer which is totally hard by the way. I was so psyched to be in a room with all these people who I thought were mad advanced but who couldn't remember the 3rd Step prayer either. I felt great afterward.

It's been 2 weeks of meetings! Only 10 more to go! (One of the "Mom Brigade" warned me of doing the 90 in 90 as well last night exclaiming, "You're just going to drop off the precipice after 90 in 90! You should just take one meeting at a time." Maybe that's what set me off wanting to fight. Way to share your experience, strength and hope! Don't you have to knit something purple?)

Day 1, Meeting 1: The tingling lets you know it's working

Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.

Ooo boy, it's late. Feels a bit too late to write this actually. Need to get a jump on it a bit earlier tomorrow. Still figuring out this blog thing. I'm beat and worried that what I write will seem forced. So here goes...

Stopped by a good friends house that I hadn't seen in a while on my way home from my first meeting of my "90 in 90". These are friends that still drink and that I've drifted from a bit over the last months. It was nice to laugh with them and drink water;) I totally thanked them for that. The response was that there was no booze in the house, which was pretty funny and good timing on my part. Their roommates had just gotten back from Vegas and my friends told me they had been up for two days straight which made me a little nervous to be there but it turned out they were fine and sweet and made us dinner.

Today was easy to get to a meeting because I have a commitment there, I'm the coffeemaker. I go to this meeting after work on Mondays. The concept of having commitments totally works, by the way, especially on a Monday, because I so did not want to go to a meeting today but had to because I committed to making the coffee each week. This is my 3rd week having the commitment. And the second week in a row that I didn't want to be there. What's with that? I have to buy the supplies: cream, spoons, etc, and make sure the coffee is made and clean up afterward. I show up at the meeting early because I feel bad if coffee isn't made for first people that show up. There are some homeless guys too and some not-so-homeless guys and I work at a food bank and have worked in restaurants and bars most of my working life and like to cater well to everyone. It's pretty easy except today there were a ton of fruit flies swarming the back sink. It was really gross and totally irritating. For some reason, there are flies everywhere right now at this time of year, at my work, in most places you go to eat. They tend to gather right in the entry way, flying around just inside from the door of most places that keep their doors open. You get used to walking through them but these were here resting on the sink so when I came over they all flew up. The sink only has cold water, 3 smelly sponges and no hand soap or paper towels or cleaning products. No wonder it's a fruit fly nesting ground. Today was just a bit too much. I didn't even want to sit back there. While being the coffeemaker gets me to the meeting, it's a little isolating as my back is to everyone before and after the meeting making coffee or cleaning up. I have to get up in the middle of the meeting to make more coffee which seems a bit distracting and interrupts my listening to the speaker. So much for fellowship. Since I got this commitment, it's allowed me to actually not want to go to the meetings but still go and not like it. I don't have to like it, people say, which at first I was like, of course I like it, I've been white-knuckling this alone for the past year and change but soon that's shifted as the program actually starts to work and I start to get uncomfortable. And don't "they" say, the tingling lets you know it's working?

This meeting has been challenging for me to attend (the second time I ever went, a homeless guy faced me and muttered, "Fucking bitches, fucking bitches" over and over in my ear the whole meeting. It was kind of my worst nightmare and the whole reason I didn't want to go to meetings in San Francisco, in a city, period), but it's convenient and just over the hill from my work so I don't have any wiggle room of going home before going or being too far to make the distance. So I go.

I felt like such a sad-sack though today and did last week too come to think of it. And looking around, I wasn't the only one. Usually, this is a seasoned spirited crowd but even the old reliables were struggling today. So many people had their heads in their hands. The speaker was decent. Had gotten in the program through the marijuana version. Today I decided not to share. My sponsor had recommended I listen more, read the book. Though three-quarters of the way through, I changed my mind but didn't get called on. The speaker had said something about mediocrity. Right before I became sober, I used to proclaim that I was content with my own mediocrity. I just couldn't understand why no one else was. I wanted so much to be a happy alcoholic like so many of my friends seemed. I wanted to be blissfully ignorant of my own potential, abilities and privilege. It was so hard being me! It's amazing how my alcoholism put me on a pedestal. Or was being on a pedestal what made me an alcoholic? I'm find many chicken or the egg comparisons. (I think I have to wrap this up, I'm feeling a bit delerious).

In the last few weeks, I'd been really focusing on contributing and meeting people and kinda having a case of feeling like I was skipping to the 12th step when I was only at the first. I forget what they call this, 12 steppin or something (regulars seem to toss out all the terms and cliches with such ease). Pink cloud, they called it also. I fell off that cloud and then got back on and had been really putting myself out there trying to build fellowship as I saw this as important and making new friends sober was feeling so uncomfortable. After all, "this was a program of action!" and doing what doesn't come natural. I had felt really new and raised my hand early on to say how much I wanted to learn the tools, bawling my eyes out and all these people came running up to me afterward and gave me their numbers. Then as the weeks progressed, I wasn't quite as new and was still trying to build relationships but I was shy about answering my phone and well, not answering my phone so then people stopped interacting with me and stopped calling me. More self-sabotage. So I stepped up my fellowship game and started to feel like I was coming on a little strong, many of the feelings I had when I was in middle school which is crazy. More seasoned alcoholics were saying that the first year should be all about me. But I felt ready to take on the challenge of trying to make friends, forcing myself to make friends, go up to people, comfort them and introduce myself. I had heard the advice about doing what you don't want to do and I really didn't want to be making friends so that seemed like the right thing to do I thought.

Then, while in LA this weekend, I got totally shut down. I heard someone share, I resonated with what they said, I went over to them and introduced myself, shook their hand and she turned her back on me before I could even say anything else. I was devastated. I really was. People say I'm pretty personable and at work I don't really care if people don't like me but when I am putting myself out there, it was a little too much to bare. It was a wake-up call. It brought me back down to earth and kicked me off my pink cloud, yet again. (Turns out this woman was an actress. Oops but really who fucking cares? You like that resentment?) My new sponsor (I broke up with first sponsor early last week because she was unavailable which I thought would make things easy for me but realized that I wanted to be doing more work on the steps) said that we are all in the rooms with the disease of alcoholism and that it manifests itself differently for all of us or something. I'm not good at recounting. Shit, I'm tired too.

So today wasn't that big a deal. Strangely, this meeting there was a lot of people talking about contributing. Multiplying the joy and dividing the pain. So while my own path had told me to sit back and do my own work and reach out less, here were all these people talking about giving back. Maybe it's so I know that they are there for me. That I can reach out and go through my process of unraveling this disease and recovering.

My 1st meeting of my 90 meetings. Yay, me! I've tried it 3 times. So...it's the 4th meeting in 4 days that will be the kicker I think. But 3 times the charm:)

Good night, sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite! (Is it me or is everyone around me having weird skin issues, including myself. Ew.)