Day 15 & 16, Meeting 15 & 16: I love a parade!

I know I shouldn't do this...but I'm writing my blog while I should be working. Oh well, I was pretty punchy last night so I'm not feeling uber creative right now. I went to my usual meeting on Monday night where I am the coffeemaker. And I don't know if it's the stars or what but man, it was unrulier than usual. I have the key to the meeting and I like to get there early to make the coffee so it's usually me and a few homeless regulars that chill outside but yesterday they brought their friends and there was a whole gaggle of mentally unfit and some who weren't, presumably alcoholic (though it's speculated they just come for the coffee) homeless guys and their stuff, their "helping" and hand-washing, their palm frond flower making, their drinking the milk before the coffee is made, trying to pour water in the coffeemaker that has a used filter in (this is the "helping" aspect), and of course the fuse blows (more "helping") because the tea people must have tea. It was comical. And they were loving me. Just me and the boys with 40 minutes til the meeting started. Yes, I was a little uneasy as well but humor is one of my best weapons, or so I think, and slowly people I knew trickled in.

This is the romper room that exists in the back of this meeting. And it's a large meeting too. Homeless guys coming and going, getting coffee and then going outside, talking loudly when people are sharing. And it's all okay, really. No one says anything or reminds them of the rules. It's really interesting. And the shit doesn't bother me or irritate me as that stuff sometimes does, at least it didn't last night (thank you, Prozac). I feed hungry people for my day job so if dude wants some milk without coffee because he's hungry, he can have it. But as I mentioned before, humor is helpful when the self-professed crackhead with only 12 hrs sober starts trying to make hot water through old coffee grounds. "I'm sorry I don't believe we met, I didn't think I'd have a manager with this commitment," or something like that. By the end, we are joking that we are acting like a married couple and he tears up during his share about his newfound friends. Take it for what it is. A lot of friends at the meeting said to me, "Stay away from him, dude is angry and dangerous." But he was laughing and yes, I was cautious. And he was very "helpful".

I went out to dinner with some folks and it happened really naturally with very little planning. It was nice and I was on fire. Silly me. Yes, I love a parade and I love to make people laugh. I get worried that I get too carried away and out of control and the attention is almost like a drug for me too. This is the ego that I've been struggling with as I love the attention and I love when I feel good and I love to share that with other people and get them giggling about life's shit that is just funny. And if you've been reading, you know that sometimes it backfires when you call someone's boyfriend the spitting image of a pussy band lead singer. So maybe it's my newfound acceptance of Step 1 but I felt pretty good last night, in spite of the chaos in the back of the room. And I kept myself in check and didn't get too far ahead of myself.

This morning, I also got thee to a meeting. It was painful getting up. I'm still so tired from being sick. I need like 14 hrs of sleep straight to catch up it feels like. I went home early yesterday and took a 2 hr nap before going to my meeting. I like the morning meeting and it's the same feeling I get when I go to the gym in the morning. Nauseous and like I've accomplished something for the day and I can chill in the afternoon. I shared this morning even though I've been trying to listen more. I wanted to share about how awesome it is that I accepted Step 1, that I am an alcoholic and I belong in the rooms. This was huge and I wanted to share it. I talked about how therapy when I was using was like sand paper with a large grit, only removing the obvious superficial stuff and the program was more like sand paper with a fine grit, doing the fine tuning of my self that therapy can't maintain when I'm only going once per week and using. Alcoholism has affected all parts of my life and many times I have attributed my character defects to other stuff: overbearing parents, sheltered upbringing, genetic predisposition for depression. And it's not the worse thing that's happened to me. And that came out of the meeting today too. It's interlaced and manifests itself in everything but it's not the worst that's happened. And it doesn't have to be to be in the meetings and join the program either. What's lovely is that it takes all kinds....

Day 13 & 14, Meeting 13 & 14: Lucky 1-3

I was just too pooped to blog last night. I got in trouble with my sponsor today for not doing my homework for the program. She said, "If you have time to blog, you have time to do your homework," (insert finger waggle). My response: "I didn't even blog last night!"

Between being sick and working yesterday, I am exhausted. I'm having a nice evening tonight relaxing and resting, getting my head ready for the week ahead and starting my blog early. I had a wonderful meeting with my sponsor today even with the finger waggling. We kinda hit a nerve a little bit. Something definitely opened. I am an alcoholic.

Step 1 has been a lot to swallow. And something cracked inside me like an egg today. I felt a little sensitive, raw. I've been very conscious of how cocky, self-righteous and egotistical I've been...to the point it's been hard to write. You mean it's not all about me? That was just a joke....but it wasn't. I really did think it was all about me. I still do. I think I own the fucking program after 2 months! Fake it til you make it.

Last night's meeting I was defensive to the point of virtually combative. Usually this is a sign, in therapy at least, that you are getting to the core of something. I went to a meeting that was a "scent-free" meeting. I didn't realize that until I got there. "Scent-free" to me is a California thing, like "purple ladies". I have a sensitive sniffer too but not so sensitive that I request those around me to remain unscented. Hysterical and a little irritating. The woman next to me was maybe in her late 50s knitting a purple scarf (surprise!) and looked at me over her bifocals when I saw that it was scent-free and made a sound like, "Hm, interesting." I pointed at the description and she winked, nodded and said, "It's a good thing," and smiled. Oh, is it?

This meeting was within walking distance from my house so I decided to try it out. There were these 4 main ladies about my mom's age that were there, one was knitting the purple scarf. I chose the meeting because it was also a Book Study Meeting. I thought this would break up the monotony of the Speaker/ Discussion format I typically go to. And frankly, I was getting a little tired of hearing someone's story. Well, it turned out on the last week of the month they have a Speaker/ Discussion! Hooray! Damnit. It was a long story. I was cranky. And because I had to introduce myself in the beginning of the meeting since it was my first time to that meeting, she directed her share at me and this other girl. I was acting like a total snot, thinking in my mind, "She thinks I'm a newcomer. Boy is she wrong. I've been sober 19 months!" Like I was the only person that has ever been sober or struggled. I've seriously been staring my ego in the face these last few days. Feeling as awkward as I did when I was in middle school. Snotty and defensive like a 7th grader.

After the meeting, one of the "Mom Brigade" was telling another newcomer who had introduced herself as an addict, how it was important for her to say she was an alcoholic because it respects the fellowship of the group and it's another way to fit in. (!?!) So I was already feeling a little touch-y, did this woman want to fight? This newcomer had just waltzed out of rehab only to have Ol' Mother Hubbard preaching her own doctrine of what she gotta do for the team?! I wasn't digging it so I told her so because it's not written anywhere that you have to do that. If you don't feel like you are ready to say you are an alcoholic, then you are right where you should be. But this is what I think and this is what worked for me;)All the program requires is a desire to stop drinking. So I said, "I said that at first, it's okay. Sometimes it's easier to say you're an addict before you can say alcoholic. Addict can feel more encompassing. As time goes on, you realize that what you have in common with everyone in the rooms is that you all want to stop drinking. I say I'm an alcoholic and addict some days and just alcoholic other days." The woman replies, "That's like saying you're a car and a Chevy." My heart starts pounding. It's Saturday night and it's alright for fighting! And then she saved herself, by saying, "That's just my interpretation not the program's." Heart slows. And then I get cornered by S.

S. is an older man that looks as though he's a painter, still working hard, maybe in his early 70s and he smells like old man pee. I thought this was a "scent-free" meeting? I made the mistake of engaging him at another meeting and he cornered me like 4 times last night after the meeting. I think he's of German descent and boy, can this man talk. Old men love me. I swear. When I was single, I couldn't get a date to save my life but when it came to a lonely old man, it was like flies on shit. Ew. Old man pee. I figured out if I put my foot out like I'm only leaning on one side of my body, it'll keep him from inching any closer. Besides the smell, he was also a close-talker. It was the kind of situation where he'd just talk at you. You couldn't get a word in edgewise. Other people at the meeting were visibly uncomfortable that he kept me cornered and a few tried to save me. Then realized that I kinda knew the guy. I told my sponsor today and she was like, there's a fine line between being a doormat and taking care of yourself. Hmmmm, I have to try that. I was trying to be patient but he just kept talking and inching closer and I would back up and he'd inch closer. It was definitely uncomfortable. She told me it was okay to say, "Excuse me, I have to go now." And walk away. I was shocked. Oh my awkward 7th grader! This is the kind of shit I'm learning for the first time. Why did it take so long? I seriously thought I had to be patient and listen to him. And I can, to a point. Amazing. Who knew!?!

After reviewing my reservations with the 1st Step, I graduated today while meeting with my sponsor this morning and moved on to 2 and 3. I went to a 3rd Step meeting today with my sponsor only to walk in and see all these people I knew. It was great! And the first meeting where I finally felt like it wasn't too advanced and I was where it was! It even went so far as to laugh about memorizing the 3rd Step prayer which is totally hard by the way. I was so psyched to be in a room with all these people who I thought were mad advanced but who couldn't remember the 3rd Step prayer either. I felt great afterward.

It's been 2 weeks of meetings! Only 10 more to go! (One of the "Mom Brigade" warned me of doing the 90 in 90 as well last night exclaiming, "You're just going to drop off the precipice after 90 in 90! You should just take one meeting at a time." Maybe that's what set me off wanting to fight. Way to share your experience, strength and hope! Don't you have to knit something purple?)

Day 12, Meeting 12: 12 in 12

So here we are, coming up on 2 weeks and I begin to get bored with my fun project that I've set out to do. Same thing with working out... about 2 weeks and then kaput! Something new has to begin. Only now I have to be much more creative. Now that I'm sober.

I won't quit, I'm determined to finish but I have to say these late night entries are wearing on me a little bit. But I certainly have begun to feel the positive effects of going to a meeting every day. It's amazing the difference consciously building your day around a meeting makes. I do feel better overall. But going to meetings every day has become very time-consuming. I am lucky to have a supportive boyfriend but I have to say it's put a strain on us a little bit.

The meeting I went to tonight was my usual Friday meeting. I was sharing the literature commitment with someone and they left so then she got replaced by someone else. I was becoming friends with the last person so I was a bit bummed. This is a women's meeting, a large one. I found I couldn't sit still tonight for the life of me. My nose was runny and I had to pee then I was hungry and needed a cup of water. The last time I was at this meeting last week, I went upstairs and talked to my old coworker for 15 minutes. Maybe it's time to find a new Friday night meeting. When my commitment is over maybe I will.

I saw my old sponsor tonight and it was good. I found I wasn't resentful and it was actually really good to see her as I have been wanting to call her. We broke up because she went out of town to get married and take the BAR exam and stood me up on a phone appointment and just wasn't really available overall. She never answered her phone and yet, I had to leave 3 things I was grateful for every day on her Voicemail. We had an understanding but after a little while I wanted more engagement but she was studying for the BAR. She was sort of a temporary sponsor anyways in my mind. We had laughed about how we were both late to everything so I thought it would work out to have someone slack but then I realized I actually wanted more structure. And I was excited to work the program and wanted a sponsor to do that with me actively not passively.

I have to work again tomorrow. I had a fairly good day but had trouble concentrating. Work is a drag. I had a time management webinar today and it just made me feel worse about how unmanageable my workload has become.

I'm exhausted and I need to do my homework for my current sponsor. Til tomorrow;)

Day 11, Meeting 11: On the upswing

Early morning meeting. No coffee today. Still headachy from my illness that now my whole department has come down with. Thought it was coffee withdrawal. Long day at work but the break was nice. I feel like 3 days of sleeping helped regulate my body a bit to the lower dose of Prozac I'm on. I thought that was what my headache was from too. It's kinda brutal.

I like my Thursday morning meeting. It's a crazy feeling to end my day of work having already gone to a meeting. It really does start my day off right. Since I was always chatty about my "stuff" first thing in the morning, this suits me. Get it all off my chest before it starts to weigh me down along with the rest of the day has to offer me! The topic was family. They read a passage in the book, I had just recently read and liked a great deal. We talked about self-centeredness and ego....and how crazy all our families are. I have a lot to say on that topic. But not tonight....;)

Day 10, Meeting 10: Jackpot!

That's 10 for 10 folks! Yippee! Wow, I can't even believe it.

Dontcha love that feeling when you've been laid out sick for a few days and then start to feel better? I was running errands after my meeting tonight, cleaning the stove, folding laundry, doing the dishes....after 2 days of sleeping and mucus (ew). It feels good to be healthy and productive again! Now back to the grind tomorrow (ugh!).

Today I worked a bit in the morning. I was happy to have one roomie home and keep me company while she did her hair. This was an amazing process, let me tell you! The work I was doing involved a lot of phone calls and I started to feel a little overextended and tired again so I stopped after a few hours, not to mention how ridiculous I sounded all stuffed up on the phone. One colleague I called straight up laughed at me, mind you this is not someone I work with every day! But I totally love it. I took a long, long nap through the afternoon. After some good daytime soaps though. This is the kinda cold I love, not the kind that lingers and drains ever ounce of your soul, but the kind that comes in hard and fast and leaves equally abruptly. It could also be attributed to my super-human sober immune system but let's not be hasty. I'm only on Step 1!

Step 1 has brought up a lot for me and actually has made me a bit nervous for the next steps. While perusing Facebook in my sick and headachy boredom these past two days. I was stalking an old high school lover only to find I'd been unfriended by him. The shock! Come to find out, this was precipitated by his now wife but then girlfriend who he had cheated on with me who found out we were friends on Facebook and was still pissed after 13 yrs! Fuck. What's worse, is she is also someone I considered a dear friend in high school and our families were friends (not dear enough to not sleep with her boyfriend, but there were few who were) and had reached out to through this terrible thing we call Facebook only to not hear from her. Now I know why. I was totally fixating on this and another situation I had been in. I was a homewrecker of the Nth degree. I didn't wreck many homes because many of the women never found out but leave it to a looming alcoholic with a 4th Step to complete to ruin your household after 13 yrs. Ugh.

In my meeting tonight, however, there was discussion about how when we drink we thing all the good things and all the bad things are our faults. That we are SOOOO important and self-centered that of course I can wreck entire families with a single confession. I'm hoping this was the right direction to turn my thoughts. That such a thing would not have the results that I dread so. I think it was and it helped. As my sponsor would say, I'm right where I need to be. But I tell you, I was thinking of all the ways to call these guys to warn them or to have them tell me they already told their wives who were okay with us sleeping together so I wouldn't have to confess to their wives, who were my friends, that I'm a total slutbag and their husbands were in on it. Ouch. Messy.

But let's take a step back shall we. I'm still on Step 1. Right where I need to be. I found myself being thankful for all the good friends I didn't sleep with or whose boyfriends or husbands I didn't sleep with. That helped. The meeting I went to helped as well. Finally, I found a meeting with a room full of women my age who were young, attractive and hip. I swear. I knew it existed but was seriously doubting and thinking I had to endure some of the other meetings I go to with all these long-timers. These meetings have been helpful in different ways but sometimes hearing about the punk rock era and the cocaine glory days of the 80s, I just can't quite relate all the time. Even though it looks like a lot of my and the generation after mine especially can totally relate with our skinny jeans and our day glow stunna shades despite the fact most of us were riding tricycles or in diapers or not even a glimmer in our parents' eyes in the 80s.

Oh and today was my 19 month anniversary. I figure we do it with toddlers, I might as well do it with sobriety too and count the months up to 24 rather than the usual 6 mo, 9 mo, 1 yr, 18 mo, 2 yrs, etc. Screw that. Since I just started the program, I figured extra celebrating can't hurt;)

Day 9, Meeting 9: Thank you

I did not think that this blog would be a source of strength for me. I did not design it to get props from my peeps. I designed it to have more of a passive influence if not just give a reader cause to stop and think and maybe get some answers about my process of getting sober if you know me. That's it. The fact is that this silly blog thing and your comments totally got my ass to a meeting today and for that I am so grateful.

JW's comment was a rallying cry and helped me a great deal. While I know who some of you are, I didn't know who this comment was from but I think they might be family;) But I don't know. And I want to thank them and everyone for reading because it totally gives me strength to stick with this.

I was justifying not going to a meeting most of the day. I was passed out in bed all day unable to breathe out of my nose and just trying to sleep this gnarly cold out of me. Being content with the letdown and having to start this process over. I have no problem taking sick days, I still work a little from home but for the most part, I let myself be sick so I can get well. However, I didn't have a fever, achies or chills so right then, I knew I might be able to make a meeting. I read JW's comment and a certain SK's and was like, "I can do this. It might take me a little while but I can get to a meeting." I found a meeting in my book, took another long nap, woke up, took a super hot shower, made some soup and toast, tossed a bunch of vitamins back, bundled up and headed to my meeting. I actually drove to the wrong meeting and realized that the meeting I was headed to wasn't until later and that I could make an earlier meeting nearby that I knew of. This is an intimate meeting and I had been there before. The last week of the month, they read a tradition which typically is a bit dry but it deepens my fascination with this program and how it works for so many across the globe. It was great to hear some of the regulars share about the concept of "professionalism" and 12 Step work. And it eased some of my anxiety while shedding light on this project of writing a blog. I even shared with the group that I had started a blog to share my experience in meetings and my sobriety process with people. This relieved a great weight off my shoulders. I said if anyone had a hard time with it, I'd love to hear feedback after the meeting. No one came up to me, but one guy gave me a cough drop and another guy was amazed at how awful and sick I sounded. I laughed and had to agree but assured him I didn't feel half as sick as I sounded and that I had been in bed all day. I thanked everyone for letting me be there in my disgusting state during my share. I also sat in the back so as not to contaminate anyone and blow my nose in peace. Except I sound like a foghorn;)

And I am much better for it. Yay, me!

Day 8, Meeting 8: Illin'

I did not lay out a guideline in the event I got sick. I really don't know what to do. Sunday, I just had a tinge of a sore throat and was sneezing little. Now, my sinus' are so swollen that my teeth hurt. Ouch. I'm stuffed up and my throat still hurts. I didn't work today because I worked on Saturday but I'm going to take tomorrow off too. It'll put me totally behind but my head is throbbing and this thing just started.

I went to my regular Monday meeting anyways. I am the coffeemaker there. Doing the same thing that I hate and the same thing that got me sick, going out into public when you are sick. I am such a hypocrite! I cannot stand when people go to work and they are sick. Especially at my job where we are blessed with sick time coming out of our wazoos. And to top it all off this woman brought her little newborn and sat right next to me. I totally know better and I felt really bad. I should have stayed home. I told her I was sick and she said thank you and gave me some anti-bacterial gel. I proceeded to lean away from her and her baby the whole time. If I was well, I would have been all over her. Cute as a button.

This 90 in 90 thing is important but my health is equally important. Part of taking care is doing 90 in 90 but it's okay if I stay home and even if I start over. Seriously, I should not be putting others at risk. I can't tell you how bad of a decision that was to go to the meeting. And the fact that I could have gotten a newborn ill makes me feel terrible.

I felt like shit and was having some issues with how cold some people are. They've just changed over the positions (I kept the coffeemaker position) and I've been having issues with this woman who brought in a hot pot and asked me to keep it in my car when that wasn't the expectation I was set up with. I've never talked to her, she's never talked to me about sobriety, just her fucking tea and this hot pot. It all worked out last week but this week, trying to work details of keys for storage, I was just done. I called my sponsor afterward and she said that this is me trying to control people and how things happen. That what a worse way for us all to deal with our illness in a room of people we don't know. That I should focus on my own work. That I'm right where I should be. That I'm doing this as if there is some time table that determines where I'm supposed to be. This was all true and I knew I was being stupid and petty. I just didn't want it to build to the point where I hate everyone and therefore, hate the program, so I leave and then maybe drink.

The awkwardness I'm facing with people in the rooms, the need for people to like me is totally why I drank. I got loaded so if I said anything stupid that would cause them to not like me, I could blame it on alcohol. This is my revelation for the day. My sponsor said I just need to focus on my program and doing my work. And when I'm of service, doing what that entails, even if it changes on me, because doing service is part of my program. One day at a time. One meeting at a time.