Saturday, November 14, 2009

Day 90; Soon to be Meeting 90: Complicated

I'm making this complicated. Truth is, I kinda lost count. I wasn't counting my therapy sessions as meetings and then I started to so today is my 90th day, my 90th day in a row of attending an AA mtg (6 days out of 7) for 90 days, attending therapy on Wednesdays and spending one Saturday doing a service project all day (oh wait but then I attended a meeting right after!) so I've spent the morning trying to count knowing that I'm done today but worried that I've rationalized and cheated somehow so in case anyone tries to doubt me, I KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT! And this was supposed to be fun;) Tonight I will attend my 90th meeting in Half Moon Bay.

I've also been recently demoted from the 4th Step back to the 3rd. This was a welcome demotion I must say. One of the reasons I haven't written has simply been time. And the 4th Step takes time. First, it was time that I wasn't giving it, having moved Oct 1 to Oakland and commuting every day and settling in to living with my partner and settling into my new home and environment. Then, my computer cord broke. Now, Myles has several computers but he also sometimes uses 2 at a time and well, this one is real small. Excuses, excuses. What I realized in all of this, is that my sobriety had to come first and the blog was kinda part of that but kind of not. It was something separating me from the sobriety of AA maybe. For whatever reason, it became hard to keep up even though I thought about writing every day. This was also a good project in reflection because I get really excited about things and then like getting distracted and excited about something else only to leave behind a formerly very exciting unfinished project that heaven forbid I may have gotten other people excited about and left behind. Terrible, I've done this since I was young and I think it's so I never really fail. I just drift off. And the shiny object of potential blinds those around me to the fact I can't finish anything.

But the blog, I'm finishing and for that I'm proud. Though I may not have written every day and yes some of the rules got added, what was consistent was my commitment to going to meetings. Even when I didn't want to and even when I wasn't doing any other work on staying sober, going to meetings was easy but I quickly learned that it wasn't enough. I have struggled these last few weeks doing my 4th Step. My sponsor is frustrated and even reducing me to tears (we have an understanding that I need her to yell at me sometimes to get me "with it") and telling me to not think she's "going to be surprised when all I want to do is drink because this is a program of action etc etc and I'm not doing the work".....and I wasn't and last week I was wanting to drink. Really bad. And showed up to my Friday meeting with her with barely anything done of my 4th Step. That's when she made me put my head down and hammered out alot of my 4th Step which with life and work and love, became a little too much to bear. I kept finding myself repeating the 1st three steps as though I had forgotten them. I was really overwhelmed on Wednesday. Myles and I were going out of town to housesit and I was taking some time off work. And I felt really crummy on Wednesday, bad morning, Myles and I had our first fight (ok, maybe the second). I was a total treat. Yay! Vacation! "Hey honey, wanna spend 5 days in a secluded cabin? It'll be soooooo great!" Needless to say, my sponsor recommended I stay behind. I was a little worried she'd "break up with me" if I went. I really needed to get out of town and it's hard to defy someone that knows you but is still getting to know you and who has helped you considerably in spite of that. But I did defy her and was totally worried that my HP was going to ruin my vacation with my boyfriend. We cooled out after our fight but it was still a little tense. But thankfully, we had 12 chickens, 4 cats (1 in heat, 1 that's 5 weeks old and not litter box trained, 1 that's awesome and a momma cat that is totally skittish and growls) and 1 big Weihmahreiner (how the fuck do you spell that?) who is a total barrel of love but who has an affinity for sleeping under the covers with you and farting (all 80 lbs of himself to take care of for 5 days secluded in the woods. And thankfully, this woman's home needed some cleaning so I took to the task.

You know, cleaning makes you feel better and with an un-litter box trained kitten, there's has been plenty of cleaning and unfortunately at times it's not working as well as others. The 5 week old kitten provides hours of maximum cuteness overload that I seriously didn't now that I was capable of fathoming. Where does the cute gene come from? Or rather where does the ability for us to find things cute originate from? Cute is much more than aesthetic, there's more to it. There's action involved. What makes this adorable kitten's attempts to clean himself just the cutest thing in the world (his belly is so big, he can't lick his hind legs, he gets a bit frustrated and ends up on his back like a turtle:)) Is it helpless innocence? Of being in the world ill-prepared and having no idea? I'm just working through this. Like I said, I've been in the woods for the last 5 days.

We've also been 27 miles from the nearest AA meetings and coffee. I tried finding coffee closer and went on the other side of the mountains only to have slower, windier roads albeit shorter but taking way more time. The woman we are housesitting for drinks tea=no coffee maker and we didn't bring one. It's been really nice and we've indulged in all the Lucky Charms one couple can eat, cookie dough, nachos and macaroni and cheese:) Isn't love grand? You can eat like a pig and your partner still loves you to pieces. Pretty funny.

My final meeting is tonight, HP-willing, that I make it. I've almost hit 9 deer and 1 possum trying to get to meetings these last few days. The few people I've told this to, have said, "Great, so you can take Sunday off!" Well, I think the point of this exercise among others has been for one to realize that indeed meetings aren't enough and that you don't do 90 in 90 and then you're done. You do 90 in 90 to realize the importance of not only the meeting but the whole program. And this I feel I have realized...for now. I've focused on my new friendships. I even got a new commitment (after 4 rounds of nominations, geez, what does a person have to do get elected in AA?) at one of my new meetings in Oakland. I've always discovered how much I like to control everything and how much less frustrated I get when I let go, surrender and turn it over to something great than myself. I've realized the importance of being "right-sized". That I am cunning and will try to use whatever I can to work something in my favor. I also realized and remembered or rather decided to face the truth that I got high soon after quitting drinking. I believe I need to adjust my sobriety time from there so I'll have to spend some time figuring it out. It's just a number and sober is sober however, I've heard it all from many different people in the program some of which have a lot of time. But I have committed 90 days to this program. And I've gone to what can equate to 89 meetings (tonight will make 90). And I might even continue to write as this blog has helped me gather support and give people a peep into this amazing ever-changing process of being sober that has been so lovely and fucking hard. 90 in 90 will just be a title then, representing so much more. Thanks ya'll for those that saw me through and for those who took the time to read. Sorry I couldn't respond to you all but please I love you tons. Maximum love. xo


  1. KATIE!!
    i love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love

  2. Congratulations Katie!!! VERY proud of you. Thanks for letting me be a part of this journey.

  3. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah Smelly! It's the journey not the destination, right? The journey continues! Just think, some people our age feel stagnant and need to go fast or climb enormous mountains or jump off cliffs to feel like they're still on a journey, working toward something bigger. When really taking a hard, honest look at your own life is the biggest challenge of all.

  4. So, so happy for you, my dear. Congratulations on not only the 90, but on all of your realizations throughout. Thanks for allowing me to read along and for your honesty throughout. Thank you for the mirror, which I've needed and from which I've benefited greatly. Thanks for just being who you are. xoxo