Day 54 & 55; Meeting 54 & 55: Sad Dog A-howling

Meetings and my program have begun to resonate for me again. My meeting last night (I walked out of the 5 men in a basement scenario earlier in the day and went to a meeting in Oakland reminiscent of one of my SF regular meetings) was exactly where I was supposed to be. Granted, there were like 20 dudes there and like 4 women but the guy who shared talked about a lot that I felt was similar to my situation. Impending doom, wanting to kill myself every weekend and then when it comes to recovery, finding answers in the unlikeliest of places (kinda felt a little sheepish that I'd walked out of that other meeting but I had just recently done a 5 60 plus male crew with a group of Half Moon Bay farmers while housesitting down there but oh well gotta do what feels right, I saw it as an opportunity to set boundaries for myself and my comfort). I got a lot of answers in that meeting with the 5 farmers at the end of a dark, dirt road in Half Moon Bay (I passed the meeting twice on Highway 1 because I couldn't see the sign) last week.

This morning I woke up at 6:15AM, this is the time I normally get out of bed during the week. Not sure if I got up naturally or if a certain furry creature nonchalantly made noise since I control her feeding;) I decided I was going to go to a 8AM meeting in the city that I usually went to during the week when I had lived there and since there would be no traffic and I was up, I figured it would be a good idea. I showed up and it's a different crew on the weekend but it still felt comfortable and familiar. I love the room that this meeting is in. My old coworker/ friend works at the non-profit that houses this meeting, I like the neighborhood and have gone to a few meetings held there over the last few months. I'm finding that it's nervous-making going to Oakland meetings alone. The same as it was when I first started going to meetings in SF. I just don't know anyone and what the meetings are like. I met a few women last night at the meeting in Oakland who I will probably call. I made sure to reach out cuz I don't want to have to keep running back to SF to do my program.

We read Step 1 of the 12 and 12. I think I'm going to read the 4th Step today. I realized I hadn't read Step 1 and I'm on Step 4. I really liked it. It talked a little about having a high-bottom and how the program had originally been designed for the worst of drinkers and had to be designed to accept all even those who were just headed to be alcoholics. I found it comforting because I find myself still going back to Step 1 regularly because I'm feeling uncertain that I belong in the program. I had coffee with a friend afterward and found myself questioning myself and feeling so insecure. She told me her story and I was worried that I was being a fraud by trying to be her friend. I felt guilty when I left. Hoping that she likes me and doesn't realize or think I'm full of shit. So bad. Where does that come from? I think that's something more than just feeling like I don't fit in the program.

I'm trying to work on setting realistic times of returning to the house with my partner. I'm really bad because I never want to let people down so I basically lie about when I'm getting back and then let them down anyways and then make an excuse (there is always a reason because the time I set is totally unrealistic but then it seems like it's not my fault). My partner and I have talked about it so I'm working on it. It's really hard and I feel like a bad girlfriend when I say out loud how long I'll be gone. And I even thought I set it pretty generously but I was 45 minutes late. I felt really bad about it and came home to him not here and immediately assumed he was mad at me because I let him down and then proceeded to snap at him about something else when he did come home not being perturbed that I let him down (or I didn't even give him the chance). I am still super happy. Just feeling things out. Fuck, it is cold! Fall is here. The sun is not out, the fog is in and this apartment has no insulation. The dog upstairs is a foster dog and howls every time the family leaves. It's so sad. Bearable but still sad til he started barking last night while they were gone. I told them it was happening but I think I need to tell them again. I was going to email and the manfriend recommended that I tell them face to face. Of course we felt differently. Feeling things out, settling in. And I keep bumping into shit and am covered in bruises like I did when I drank. I think I'm grumpy cuz it's cold. Pity party. Or I had too much coffee. Probably too much coffee. Or I'm coming down from an insanely exhausting week of moving and housesitting and perioding. Just pooped. Or I'm an alcoholic and dealing with any of this is hard because of that. Who the fuck knows? I think I'm cranky. Gonna go read or something. Thhhhfffttttt.