Monday, October 12, 2009

Day 56; Meeting 56: Calm before the storm, not really but it's pouring now!

Seems like the meetings are just cranking themselves out. I decided tonight that I needed to start sharing and put some more effort in. The topic was "How you got through the day?" I talked about how my days used to be. That I thought if I just cried enough, I would detoxify by crying. And then I wouldn't cry anymore. I did that for almost a year. Getting crazy with my friends. So angry and snapping. Again, it's hard to tease out how much of this was from my depression and what was from not drinking anymore or being sober. It's amazing that this program helps you Live Sober. I get that now and that's really why I came through the doors. I didn't come here to stop drinking. I don't want to drink. I do want to do blow again. But I don't want to drink. If I did do blow again, I would have to drink. And drinking was my "gateway" to doing cocaine so....if I figure out to keep alcohol out of my life and manage life sober as best I can. I should be relatively happy if not productive or whatever.

Today was good. Overall I give it a B+. It was a gloomy day. It's been a steady 60, a little bit chilly. Not too much wind which is nice but no sun. My boss doesn't work on Mondays so that was nice. My morning coffee worked really well. This does not always happen. I took my meds and popped into my usual Monday 9AM meeting. There's been some inter-departmental grumbling and this is where a lot of it comes out. Awesome. 9AM. This is sometimes not my finest time to be privy to it. This morning I felt pretty good. I had gotten a ride into the city. We made it in 20 minutes. I have very little money and these rides are a godsend absolutely right now. As I try to pinch my pennies so I can continue to be happy living here, it's definitely the most I've pinched. But yesterday and this weekend, I was just showered with good fortune. One minute I'd be thinking, "I need hangers." An hour later we were walking down Telegraph and there was a huge box of hangers. Now, I believe that enough of these types of experiences validate the whole lot. One isolated, that would be a coincidence. But you know when they are coincidences I think and when they aren't. But maybe, there are no coincidences and there are times I believe that too. Today was one of those days because not only did I find hangers but I found a trash can and a dish rack the same way also within hours of mentioning I needed them. I must say too, that this is a great place to live off the fat of the wealthy so perhaps it's a coincidence but whatever it was, it was welcome because the only money I have right now is for food.

I started this blog last night and now it is pouring rain (that's not a coincidence I named this blog that, I watched the weather;). I really like it. I know I won't in February but I like it now. Yesterday was a good day certainly not perfect but I allowed myself to not be perfect. I've been really hard on myself and I think I need to keep practicing and remembering Steps 1,2, and 3 and it will help. And get going on my Step 4 because I'm totally not doing my work. Have a great day everybody!

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