Dontcha love that feeling when you've been laid out sick for a few days and then start to feel better? I was running errands after my meeting tonight, cleaning the stove, folding laundry, doing the dishes....after 2 days of sleeping and mucus (ew). It feels good to be healthy and productive again! Now back to the grind tomorrow (ugh!).
Today I worked a bit in the morning. I was happy to have one roomie home and keep me company while she did her hair. This was an amazing process, let me tell you! The work I was doing involved a lot of phone calls and I started to feel a little overextended and tired again so I stopped after a few hours, not to mention how ridiculous I sounded all stuffed up on the phone. One colleague I called straight up laughed at me, mind you this is not someone I work with every day! But I totally love it. I took a long, long nap through the afternoon. After some good daytime soaps though. This is the kinda cold I love, not the kind that lingers and drains ever ounce of your soul, but the kind that comes in hard and fast and leaves equally abruptly. It could also be attributed to my super-human sober immune system but let's not be hasty. I'm only on Step 1!
Step 1 has brought up a lot for me and actually has made me a bit nervous for the next steps. While perusing Facebook in my sick and headachy boredom these past two days. I was stalking an old high school lover only to find I'd been unfriended by him. The shock! Come to find out, this was precipitated by his now wife but then girlfriend who he had cheated on with me who found out we were friends on Facebook and was still pissed after 13 yrs! Fuck. What's worse, is she is also someone I considered a dear friend in high school and our families were friends (not dear enough to not sleep with her boyfriend, but there were few who were) and had reached out to through this terrible thing we call Facebook only to not hear from her. Now I know why. I was totally fixating on this and another situation I had been in. I was a homewrecker of the Nth degree. I didn't wreck many homes because many of the women never found out but leave it to a looming alcoholic with a 4th Step to complete to ruin your household after 13 yrs. Ugh.
In my meeting tonight, however, there was discussion about how when we drink we thing all the good things and all the bad things are our faults. That we are SOOOO important and self-centered that of course I can wreck entire families with a single confession. I'm hoping this was the right direction to turn my thoughts. That such a thing would not have the results that I dread so. I think it was and it helped. As my sponsor would say, I'm right where I need to be. But I tell you, I was thinking of all the ways to call these guys to warn them or to have them tell me they already told their wives who were okay with us sleeping together so I wouldn't have to confess to their wives, who were my friends, that I'm a total slutbag and their husbands were in on it. Ouch. Messy.
But let's take a step back shall we. I'm still on Step 1. Right where I need to be. I found myself being thankful for all the good friends I didn't sleep with or whose boyfriends or husbands I didn't sleep with. That helped. The meeting I went to helped as well. Finally, I found a meeting with a room full of women my age who were young, attractive and hip. I swear. I knew it existed but was seriously doubting and thinking I had to endure some of the other meetings I go to with all these long-timers. These meetings have been helpful in different ways but sometimes hearing about the punk rock era and the cocaine glory days of the 80s, I just can't quite relate all the time. Even though it looks like a lot of my and the generation after mine especially can totally relate with our skinny jeans and our day glow stunna shades despite the fact most of us were riding tricycles or in diapers or not even a glimmer in our parents' eyes in the 80s.
Oh and today was my 19 month anniversary. I figure we do it with toddlers, I might as well do it with sobriety too and count the months up to 24 rather than the usual 6 mo, 9 mo, 1 yr, 18 mo, 2 yrs, etc. Screw that. Since I just started the program, I figured extra celebrating can't hurt;)