I went to my regular Monday meeting anyways. I am the coffeemaker there. Doing the same thing that I hate and the same thing that got me sick, going out into public when you are sick. I am such a hypocrite! I cannot stand when people go to work and they are sick. Especially at my job where we are blessed with sick time coming out of our wazoos. And to top it all off this woman brought her little newborn and sat right next to me. I totally know better and I felt really bad. I should have stayed home. I told her I was sick and she said thank you and gave me some anti-bacterial gel. I proceeded to lean away from her and her baby the whole time. If I was well, I would have been all over her. Cute as a button.
This 90 in 90 thing is important but my health is equally important. Part of taking care is doing 90 in 90 but it's okay if I stay home and even if I start over. Seriously, I should not be putting others at risk. I can't tell you how bad of a decision that was to go to the meeting. And the fact that I could have gotten a newborn ill makes me feel terrible.
I felt like shit and was having some issues with how cold some people are. They've just changed over the positions (I kept the coffeemaker position) and I've been having issues with this woman who brought in a hot pot and asked me to keep it in my car when that wasn't the expectation I was set up with. I've never talked to her, she's never talked to me about sobriety, just her fucking tea and this hot pot. It all worked out last week but this week, trying to work details of keys for storage, I was just done. I called my sponsor afterward and she said that this is me trying to control people and how things happen. That what a worse way for us all to deal with our illness in a room of people we don't know. That I should focus on my own work. That I'm right where I should be. That I'm doing this as if there is some time table that determines where I'm supposed to be. This was all true and I knew I was being stupid and petty. I just didn't want it to build to the point where I hate everyone and therefore, hate the program, so I leave and then maybe drink.
The awkwardness I'm facing with people in the rooms, the need for people to like me is totally why I drank. I got loaded so if I said anything stupid that would cause them to not like me, I could blame it on alcohol. This is my revelation for the day. My sponsor said I just need to focus on my program and doing my work. And when I'm of service, doing what that entails, even if it changes on me, because doing service is part of my program. One day at a time. One meeting at a time.