I know I shouldn't do this...but I'm writing my blog while I should be working. Oh well, I was pretty punchy last night so I'm not feeling uber creative right now. I went to my usual meeting on Monday night where I am the coffeemaker. And I don't know if it's the stars or what but man, it was unrulier than usual. I have the key to the meeting and I like to get there early to make the coffee so it's usually me and a few homeless regulars that chill outside but yesterday they brought their friends and there was a whole gaggle of mentally unfit and some who weren't, presumably alcoholic (though it's speculated they just come for the coffee) homeless guys and their stuff, their "helping" and hand-washing, their palm frond flower making, their drinking the milk before the coffee is made, trying to pour water in the coffeemaker that has a used filter in (this is the "helping" aspect), and of course the fuse blows (more "helping") because the tea people must have tea. It was comical. And they were loving me. Just me and the boys with 40 minutes til the meeting started. Yes, I was a little uneasy as well but humor is one of my best weapons, or so I think, and slowly people I knew trickled in.
This is the romper room that exists in the back of this meeting. And it's a large meeting too. Homeless guys coming and going, getting coffee and then going outside, talking loudly when people are sharing. And it's all okay, really. No one says anything or reminds them of the rules. It's really interesting. And the shit doesn't bother me or irritate me as that stuff sometimes does, at least it didn't last night (thank you, Prozac). I feed hungry people for my day job so if dude wants some milk without coffee because he's hungry, he can have it. But as I mentioned before, humor is helpful when the self-professed crackhead with only 12 hrs sober starts trying to make hot water through old coffee grounds. "I'm sorry I don't believe we met, I didn't think I'd have a manager with this commitment," or something like that. By the end, we are joking that we are acting like a married couple and he tears up during his share about his newfound friends. Take it for what it is. A lot of friends at the meeting said to me, "Stay away from him, dude is angry and dangerous." But he was laughing and yes, I was cautious. And he was very "helpful".
I went out to dinner with some folks and it happened really naturally with very little planning. It was nice and I was on fire. Silly me. Yes, I love a parade and I love to make people laugh. I get worried that I get too carried away and out of control and the attention is almost like a drug for me too. This is the ego that I've been struggling with as I love the attention and I love when I feel good and I love to share that with other people and get them giggling about life's shit that is just funny. And if you've been reading, you know that sometimes it backfires when you call someone's boyfriend the spitting image of a pussy band lead singer. So maybe it's my newfound acceptance of Step 1 but I felt pretty good last night, in spite of the chaos in the back of the room. And I kept myself in check and didn't get too far ahead of myself.
This morning, I also got thee to a meeting. It was painful getting up. I'm still so tired from being sick. I need like 14 hrs of sleep straight to catch up it feels like. I went home early yesterday and took a 2 hr nap before going to my meeting. I like the morning meeting and it's the same feeling I get when I go to the gym in the morning. Nauseous and like I've accomplished something for the day and I can chill in the afternoon. I shared this morning even though I've been trying to listen more. I wanted to share about how awesome it is that I accepted Step 1, that I am an alcoholic and I belong in the rooms. This was huge and I wanted to share it. I talked about how therapy when I was using was like sand paper with a large grit, only removing the obvious superficial stuff and the program was more like sand paper with a fine grit, doing the fine tuning of my self that therapy can't maintain when I'm only going once per week and using. Alcoholism has affected all parts of my life and many times I have attributed my character defects to other stuff: overbearing parents, sheltered upbringing, genetic predisposition for depression. And it's not the worse thing that's happened to me. And that came out of the meeting today too. It's interlaced and manifests itself in everything but it's not the worst that's happened. And it doesn't have to be to be in the meetings and join the program either. What's lovely is that it takes all kinds....