I am not that humble. I'm finding I'm spending quite a bit of time this week teasing out my sense of humor from my self-centeredness; my extrovertedness from my opinionated self; my knowledge of self from my self-will. This is hard. I know my confidence is really shaky. I know I can be cocky and my self-esteem can be very low at times and I know I overcompensate typically before I "crash". I enjoy being a ham and I am always willing to take "one for the team" if no one feels like taking the lead on something. I don't mind taking the lead and I'll do my best at it but it's not my preferred place to be. I have forced myself to be comfortable with it and even like it. And I can truly say I do. I love making people laugh and I do enjoy being the center of attention.
I found myself tonight defining what humble and humility mean to me. There is something about those two words that seems weak to me. This is probably something about how I was raised by a strong-willed moderately feminist mother and my dad, the athlete and baby of his family. I was always taught to speak up and I've spent the last few years FINALLY learning how to listen and shut the hell up. My parents don't do that so good. My parents are terrible listeners and even worse at sensing. They can sometimes fill a room with their assumptions and opinions without hearing a word that's been said. (My parents have also given me a very blessed upbringing for the most part and for that I'm very grateful. They also love me very much and have grown despite these frustrations.) I find them constantly in a state of rationalizing situations and very controlling. One would probably say these are all tell tale signs of being alcoholics and I would have to agree. I even said it to my dad the other night but was a little fearful to press the issue thinking it better for me to just focus on my own sobriety.
Humble and humility to me mean doormat. They mean boring. Quiet. Uninteresting. Selfish. Ha! I actually think by being self-centered and egotistical I'm doing service for the world! Entertainment at it's finest. Step right up!
Why is that? Most likely I'm rambling but thought I'd spend some time exploring that a bit. I wanted to share tonight too. I didn't. It was a new meeting for me but I'd been to one at the same place. I was happy I got there in time and didn't only go to part of a meeting. I was proud of myself for doing that. I really want to complete this 90 in 90. I've found it hard to keep up the daily ritual of blogging and I'm beginning to feel myself falter a bit on getting to meetings.
Today was a close call. I spent a lot of the day trying to schedule my meeting in without it being too late. I had to go to therapy in the East Bay and the bridge just opened again and I sat in almost 2 hrs of traffic just trying to cross the bridge after work! When I came home tonight at 8, there was still bumper to bumper traffic going the east. Ew. I really hate traffic.
Yesterday I went to a good morning meeting. Rode my bike to the meeting, then to work then home at the end of the day. I took my time coming home. And had a quiet evening with my roomie teaching her how simple chocolate chip cookies are to make (she said I'd make a good mom :) , watching a movie. I hadn't done that in a while. Went to bed contented with a bellyful of cookie dough. Yum. The fire alarm kept going off in the school by my house. This was the second night in a row that it went off and that I wore ear plugs. But it was okay even though I've made it sound really dramatic all day. That feels like an Old Katie habit: being overly dramatic. Prozac has definitely helped tone that down a bit. Now I'm just disruptive and funny.....or so I think.
Totally rambling. Man, this blog shit makes me self conscious.....
I went to two meetings on Monday. One in the early morning and one in the afternoon, my usual Monday evening parade. It was a day filled and devoted to the program. I met my sponsor in between. And she even came with me to my evening meeting where I am the coffeemaker. It was great to have her there. A bunch of people had come from a BBQ and I felt a bit left out but they brought leftover desserts to put out with the coffee so it made me look like I was doing a much better job at being coffeemaker than I was;) I gave some of the people shit for not inviting me even though I didn't know who had it. But I still wanted to go. I think I really expect people will like me and be my friend without any effort. And often I don't have to put in much effort to feel temporary unalone. To form solid friendships I do.
I realized that I continue to want my own place and space. I think I need to look to God on this one. And that sounds so fucking weird. But for him to guide me to lead me to what I need. I know that I need my own place. It has been hard being around my roomies and their "habits" as much as I care about them.
To be continued.....sorry that was so crappy. Frankly, I'd be amazed if people are still reading this. I think I need to email it out to folks but haven't been really feeling it so I may not want folks to read it. Ugh. I hate this self-doubting pre-menstrual bullshit! Argh. Good night!