Sunday, September 27, 2009

Day 35-41, Meeting 36-41: Yup, still here but, one more rule

Showing up.

The last week has been a whirlwind. I've been housesitting, moving and GOING to meetings (except for one day, more on that in a second).

Today's meeting was a little awkward. I was showing up for my friend who was speaking. Showing up. But I'm struggling with feeling like a fraud. I suppose it could be that I'm feeling a little uprooted. My room is in shambles and half my stuff is in one place, the other half in the other and I'm staying somewhere entirely different. But I showed up. And for that I was proud. Selfishly proud. Realizing that all the conversation I had tonight was all about me. But really that just means I'm right where I'm supposed to be and it's the right place. Ugh, feeling so self-conscious about doing the perfect program. Knowing I don't have to do that.

Right before the meeting, I also showed up to a bar in the Haight for a fundraiser for a race coordinated by the best friend of my cat's original owner, my cat's former owner committed suicide last year. I really wanted to be there. I couldn't commit with an RSVP but as this cat's current owner, I thought I should be there. She brings so much joy into my life. I knew I had to go. I stopped at home to print out a card with her picture on it to write a quick note. I'm pretty broke right now so I wasn't able to make more of a donation besides a few raffle tickets but that's okay. I do what I can in those situations. I try to. I'm already feeling overextended. But I wasn't sure how it was going to be either. I haven't been to a bar I think since I started to go to meetings. The first year I went out with my friends to bars all the time because I wasn't going to meetings and I didn't want my friends to treat me any different or be uncomfortable with my sobriety. Going to meetings has made me more uncomfortable with going to bars. Maybe because I know how good I got it now. I have found an alternative to building a community that doesn't involve drinking. I showed up today and realized that everyone was wasted and it wasn't so bad. I had a Diet Coke, hung out with my roomie and his girlfriend and got some good one-on-one time with the best friend. It was great to see her too. I found out she found out I was moving to the East Bay from this blog which I felt kinda bad about but she said that she felt better reading this and knowing how much the cat makes me happy and is a part of my life. Seriously, the worst part about housesitting this week is that my cat isn't around. Although my boyfriend by my side is a pretty close second;) just kidding. I do wish R. had seen how sweet D. was while I was printing out the card. She was sitting on the printer, then biting the printer than standing on my bedframe that is mattress-less in the most awkward way batting at me to play and being so funny. I think she misses me too. I'm excited for us to have space together to just hang out and play. Spending time with her is one of my favorite reasons to be home. Just in case you didn't think I was a total cat lady...sheesh. Cheesy I know. But she is the best, R. Thank you for bringing her into my life.

I've been struggling with my commitment as coffeemaker on Monday. I'm finding it interesting that the two meetings that I have commitments at I don't like sometimes.....hmmm. I walked out after 35 minutes. It was a hot day and the smell of homeless male was overpowering. I have a ridiculously sensitive sniffer. I called my sponsor and she told me I was being a baby and that I need to learn the 3rd Step Prayer and it's good I walked out and called her. I was cranky. She got mad that I was goofing around at meetings and told me I need to pay attention to do the work. I knew I was acting like a 5 year old. Maybe I should get a commitment at a meeting I do like? And many people have concurred but I don't think I could bear walking away. Unfortunately, I feel like I made myself too known. But that could be me being self-centered. Well, I still consider myself shopping around to some extent. Which kinda sounds like I haven't fully committed to the program when I wrote it. I thought that Monday night was my Home Group and that's shifted a bit. Sometimes I think my Friday night meeting is my Home Group. I need to get a Home Group. And I reminded myself that I've only been in the program for 4 months despite being sober for 20 months (since yesterday). But today I've felt as though I've been drifting from my program a bit.

Tuesday and Thursday, I went to my morning meeting. Wednesday was insane. I drove something like 70 miles in a day. Every Wednesday I have therapy. I felt awful that I couldn't make it to a meeting but I did make it to therapy~I've been going to therapy for over 3 yrs. I've asked for permission in my meetings that I could count my therapy as a meeting. I had heard that other people had done the same. I had other people recommend I release from needing to finish 90 in 90 and just start over. That it's okay. Others said you can double up on some days which I said I wouldn't do. I had banked an extra meeting on Labor Day so now my count is even. So it seems like there are several interpretations of 90 in 90. Whatever, my reasoning is, I decided that for now, until I'm moved and things calm down a bit, I will still go to a meeting on Wednesday if I can swing it but if I can't, my therapy will count as a meeting. I have been going to meetings on Wednesdays up until now. That's one more rule.

I'm almost halfway through but I haven't been writing and as I predicted, it is getting hard. I have been drifting and socializing like a middle schooler in my meetings this past week. Friday was good though. Saturday I almost didn't make it to a meeting as we were moving all day and I was pooped and exhausted going from where I'm housesitting to the City to the East Bay and back to the City to meet one of M.'s friends who was here visiting and who was kind enough to host us in Seattle in December. But somehow my Higher Power got me a to a meeting, a great meeting with what seemed like oddball folks. I find that it's easier for me to share when I don't know anyone. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know people at these regular meetings. Perhaps that's why I find reasons not to like them. I used to like Monday meeting at times because it was surly, tough, grim and diverse. Perfect for a crummy Monday. Which it dawned on me this week was my new favorite day at work because my boss doesn't work Mondays. Duh. It only took me a few years to figure that one out. So maybe that's what changed. Who knows. Things are shifting all the time for me right now. All I can do is hand it over to God. It's been nice. Awkward and uncomfortable and I feel like my reflexes are to hold tight and control so I have to consciously let go and let God (while not being self-conscious about the fact that I've found God). Keeping it simple. But man this program works and I can't express it because I'm embarrassed that I believe in God and feel my Higher Power now and He/She/It leads me to the next right thing if I pay attention to it. If I surrender, I will not stray from my path. It's crazy! I mean, the God piece of this program is what deterred me years ago from coming back. To me God is Spirit, Energy, One, Love, All. Saying "God" allows me to sync my interpretation of God to what I experience when I feel connected to the Earth to people to events and happenings to the world around me and Time and to Spirit. So crazy. And in this room where I knew no one on Saturday I could express that openly and express joy. I guess that's hard for me to do in front of people I know and care about. Maybe something from childhood, if I'm celebrating or being silly, I'm not working hard enough or something. So I constantly am "at work" on myself, struggling, creating drama, depressed etc. This program has allowed me to learn how to celebrate and be grateful in a safe space. Say thank you and not be judged for being goofy when it's serious.

So I will do better at keeping this blog maintained. I've seriously gotten such incredible feedback and the people who are reading it are not who I thought would be reading it and some are and some aren't. I wrote it with some key friends in mind and frankly, it's brought me closer to some unexpected ones. Very cool. And only pounding it home, how blessed I am. And if I can't celebrate with my Higher Power and ooze light and love into all things created by He/She/ It, I think I would burst. So there. I am blessed. I AM SO BLESSED.


  1. Keep going, Katie! Hope you're more than well ;)