I managed to get through most of the weekend calmly. Stressors of financial insecurity were in the forefront of my mind and have been for some time. Wrestling with my ego and self-centeredness. For my homework, I was supposed to compile a list of the attributes my Higher Power holds. I'm still working on my List of Unmanageability as well.
I am hopeful that my decisions today will allow for more time with the program in the present and going forward, allow me to cultivate a love that I see extending into my future. Sometimes you have to take one step backward, to take two steps forward. While this may sound cryptic, I'm not feeling like divulging all that went on today at least as it relates to my personal life.
It's ironic that I entered into writing this blog so lightheartedly and my biggest challenge I'm facing while writing this blog is my ego....in front of all my friends and the Inter-web. hehe
I feel as though I have a good momentum getting to a meeting daily. It's not as stressful as it first was to make sure I get to a meeting, that I will find a meeting.
I attended my first business meeting on Friday as part of my literature commitment for that meeting that made me want to carve my eyeballs out with spoons. I ended up getting snappy at my co-lit commitment person. I think I'm going to move that just one of us get the commitment. My friend is struggling sharing her raffle commitment as well. It just makes for too many cooks in the kitchen, at least for the business meeting. Of course, my first thought was to figure out a way to organize the GSR's agenda, all our decisions and report backs. My sponsor laughed when I told her that and reminded me that the program is to remain unorganized. She also said that my job is perfect for an alcoholic as it allows me to continually fine tune and encourage people to work better together. I'm not sure how I felt about this but it was funny.
Saturday I went to a meeting in the East Bay. A small meeting. My entitlement oozing out of me in a room of only 5 people. I found myself getting so angry when they had asked us to sign up to speak and they skipped my name and made me go last. Argh. The topic was how you got to the meetings. I mentioned the deep denial with my family and friends and how easy it is for me to go back to wondering if I'm alcoholic enough to be in this program.
Today I went to a large meeting. I was happy to see so many people there as it seems like everyone is out of town and this is a weekend in the past that I've gone up to Truckee to welcome my Burning Man friends back and hang out on the lake for one more weekend. I haven't gone up all summer. I was feeling a little off. Took a bath before I went to start afresh and wash away a bit of the anxiety from the events of the day. My share was awkward (and so is my blog tonight, sorry), the topic was God. And the 3rd Step is still fairly new to me.
I'm looking forward to cleaning up my room, meeting with my sponsor, eating some cookies with my roomie right now and watching Season 5 of Lost. Thanks, M. I love you with all my heart to the depth of my soul.