More soon....I'm now late to the block party;)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Day 33 & 34; Meeting 34 & 35: Sign on the dotted line
My stomach has been wrecked for days. My heart pounding. Transition is imminent. I didn't realize how stable I was until I started to make changes. Woah. I'm staring at the afternoon of a Sunday without a meeting planned. Heading to a block party to get to know my new neighbors. So nervous! Going to sign the papers and commit to a month. Ha! Lay down a security deposit that I have but....still feeling financially insecure. I'm dying to just get it done already but also nervous for what's to come, the good and the bad, the just different. Shit, it's been a while. I've been the most stable in years living in the same place for the almost 3 years, at the same job for 4. That was my goal when I moved in, to settle down, slow down. In 2007, there had been a lot of moving and breaking up that left me emotionally drained. My current home was where I had solace. Unfortunately, I also had easy access to the hella fun city of SF;) and my partying ramped up. Wow. I've been so fucking miserable at times over the last 29 months and 24 days of sobriety. I really never thought that anything would break in my lame life. And seriously, to an outsider, it's no big deal maybe, but to me, getting my own place, with the prospect of sharing a life with the best man-friend around, creating my own sober dwelling feels totally over the top and really this is how things always happen don't they? All at once. We plan and we think but then realize that when you just let go, life will take you where you want to go, man;) haha But that shit is true. I've spent years freaking out that I don't have a new "life plan". I used to throw around the joke that I finished my 5 year plan 4 years ago and that is true! The last of my 5 year plan was getting a reputable job in the non-profit sector. And I've been combing the depths of my MIND to PLAN the next 5 years for almost 4 years!! I couldn't understand why I couldn't pull it together! Miserable. And not to say I've got it figured out. Letting go is like a muscle. And for me it'll start to spasm every time I consciously try to make it work. I am practicing trust. Trusting in the universe. Trusting in myself. That I'm not going to fuck things up, offend someone needlessly or do something that results in the disdain of all those around me. But I still think I will. It feels so programmed. The shame and the guilt and the fear.