Day 4, Meeting 4: Peeling an onion

I'm exhausted and have had a crap day. Tomorrow I have to get up at 4:30AM. Sadly, a driver at my work suddenly passed away last week. I wanted to make the warehouse staff breakfast in his memoriam except they start work at 6:30AM. Oof. I'm a total masochist I think. I recognize the guys in our warehouse work really hard (even though they think we don't) and that they lost their friend. I've worked with these guys for almost the last 4 years and wanted to reach out. Hugging them all would be a bit weird and probably not appropriate for work. They help our agencies a great deal and are the last hands the food passes through to the community. I also am trying to follow through with what I want and intend to do. Not one of my strengths. I'm already falling asleep and not wanting to write.

I woke up early to get to a 7:30AM meeting. Grumpy as fuck. I could feel myself start to spiral. Cranky, my boyfriend drove me to the meeting. I couldn't believe I saw one of our drivers unloading a truck into the building I was going to a meeting to. Many meetings are at some of the community organizations I work with or my organization has a relationship with. Coincidentally, he was one of the drivers that's been in recovery. I was just not feeling well. I got to the meeting. I forgot my breakfast at the cafe and had to go back. Experienced a moment of panic that I had agreed to greet at this meeting but I realized I agreed to greet at the Tuesday morning meeting. Time and day has felt so confusing this week. I just felt out of myself and also like I was getting at something. Often times when I start to feel good, I find that I feel less connected. As I use that time to rest and feel light, I feel like it gives me strength to do the next big push of self-realization with my sobriety and self. And I find the better I feel, the deeper I go exploring my inner self. And the darker it can sometimes be. Peeling an onion.

The meeting started out good and was large for the small room it's usually in. I moved across the room to allow more folks to come in (I'm always amazed that more men don't do this on the west coast. Call me old-fashioned.). I ended up sitting in the corner next to a woman with a pink scooter helmet knitting a pink scarf:) I love pink. I always have trouble paying attention to the reading because I'm still learning so much of the lingo and trying to connect what I'm feeling to how to feel better in sobriety.

This meeting became amazing as people responded to the reading and I started to feel heavier and so grateful that I was there. I realized that I wanted to share about the dinner night with my coworkers on Tuesday. I began to feel how far I'd come by coming to the meetings. How I have been so comforted by my experiences in the rooms and how I had felt so trapped that night.

When I first went sober, I told my friends that they just have to be okay if I feel uncomfortable. When they asked how they could support my sobriety, I just said don't give me shit for leaving somewhere impolitely. I asked that they please continue to extend invites to me to bars, parties etc giving me the choice to go and if I go, they just have to be okay when I want to leave whether it's after an hour or 10 minutes.

My guard was down on Tuesday. I felt so stuck. I haven't set the same situation up with my coworkers because I try to keep my sobriety separate from my work life. Professionalism is very important for me to maintain. And I'm private about my personal life at times. The line had been blurred as to whether it was a work event or social event. I felt afraid to leave. Afraid of being rude as I looked across at the beautifully set table and white roses. Afraid of being unprofessional. Delicious Mediterranean food prepared by a coworker. I was trying to be a good sport. I was trying to be part of the team. And you know, there were other people there who didn't drink. But I just felt it's different for me. As I walked to the corner store to get more beer with my supervisor just to get out of the house, I walked inside and was overcome by the urge to drink. Just a quick wave. I didn't remember until I thought about why I was so upset at the meeting. Everyone knows I'm sober and knows that I go to meetings so drinking again would not be an unquestioned action but maybe it would for my coworkers? I can't really rely on my friends or colleagues to question whether I should drink or not. I still have friends who ask me if sobriety is a choice I'm making for life. ?!?!?! I quickly got the one day at a time bit. Shit. My good friends didn't ask questions, they comforted me and rationalized my shame the morning after, that held my hair out of the way from my puke and got me into bed safely when I couldn't get myself there. For that I'm strangely grateful but that's another blog.

Sharing at the meeting felt good and I found the feeling of being shocked by how worried and trapped I felt and having to stick around when I didn't want to come flooding back. As I've definitely felt the emotional numbness that being on prozac brings, I'm always surprised when I cry. And this was equally surprising that once again my voice was quivering. I was so happy to be there and really didn't want to leave.

I ended up having a particularly tough day feeling a bit raw. Happy I made my meeting but just feeling open and unresolved and rushed today. I had an outburst with some of the warehouse guys ironically, saw an old friend way back from my past in Maryland who had a layover in SF on her way to Hawaii with her husband, went to Costco with two coworkers to get food for the breakfast, ate a frozen yogurt and then spent the afternoon preparing breakfast with my coworkers in the kitchen at my work. Safe and without booze. It was the closest I had felt to my coworkers since many of them had started. It was fun and nice and easy. It was sober and there were many onions peeled. Breakfast burritos with eggs, refried beans, sausage, peppers and onions, fruit salad, orange juice and coffee. Enjoy.

Now I'm tired and ready to put this day to rest.